That One Guy Who Broke the Washers Downstairs Is Now Popping up Everywhere Because He’s Stalking You.

Every year, a new group of freshmen rolls into Tallahassee thinking that college is going to be a #litcrazymovie and that they’ll “find themselves” while they’re here. While Florida State has those types of moments, like when Sister Cindy came and yelled that students should, “Ho No Mo,” or when the black mold in the Sandels building started creating mutants, it’s mainly just an average college in the most unstable state in the country. The first step in becoming an independent person is taking care of the basic chores their parents took care of for them before coming here. One of these chores is laundry, and expectedly, FSU has lost many a washer to the clueless freshman cleaning their clothes for the first time. There is one person in every dorm that keeps breaking the washers though, to the point of it being…suspicious.

On the issue of the constant turnover of washers, the maintenance worker downstairs, Larry D’Cable, spoke on the topic. “Yeah, I don’t know how this kid keeps breaking them. After the first time, we put up stickers on all of the machines so they can know not to overfill them, but it seems like he either can’t read or wants them broken.” He continued by saying, “I’ve seen him in there sometimes, waiting for people to notice the broken machines and looking around for the people who notice it most. It looked like he had a notebook and everything. Maybe he’s a weird STEM kid trying to take data or something, but as long as I get my check, I’m not gonna question it.” Mr. D’Cable then proceeded to go outside and receive a second check from a mysterious person in a basketball jersey over a hoodie with what looked like sweat stains on it. Weird.

“When you notice someone for the first time, and then continually see them all over campus, it’s absolutely not your subconscious just looking for recognizable faces, it is in fact one of the first signs of a stalking case, ” said Detective Fromage of the FSU Police Department. “We see this all the time in our extensive fieldwork while driving around campus seemingly doing nothing. We’re actually just observing in an almost undercover way because no one will notice the FSUPD trucks we have, right?” Detective Fromage totally cared about the copious amount of stalking cases such as this one around campus. He seemed almost too concerned with this case, rather than the assault cases or the drug-dealing around campus. 

When the guy who broke the washers downstairs starts showing up on your walk to-and-from your shared dorm, or the classes you have in a big lecture hall, it’s time to call in backup. He’s out to get you for knowing how to wash your clothes properly, or potentially he’s hoping to kidnap you and force you into doing his laundry for him. He might also be living inside your walls. More awareness must be brought to his laundry-related crimes; who knows how far this plot goes, there could be amateur Joe Goldbergs on every campus that could be stopped by bringing this issue to light.