The Black Mold Found in Williams Now Gives English Majors Something To Do After College, Die.

Over the past few weeks, there have been reports of Black Mold, radon, and other carcinogens in select Florida State Buildings. Black Mold can be extremely lethal when paired with radon, and unfortunately, it has taken the lives of three tenured employees who work in the Sandels building. FSU has since shut down Sandels for investigation, but in the midst of this, there have been rumors of other buildings succumbing to a similar fate. But, much to the elation of the English department, Williams has black mold too! This is great news for our book worms because now they have something to do after college: Die!

“This is fantastic!” claimed Editing, Writing, & Media major Chuck Wadsworth. “It feels like a genie has answered my wishes. I said I would rather die than be a social media coordinator for a CBD start-up in Tucson this summer. Now I really get to!” This is especially big news for the seniors of the English department, as their post-grad plans have been seemingly cut short by the rapidly decaying cells in their bodies. “I BIKED to class every day. UPHILL! I walked into the halls of Williams like I was fighting everyone for the very last breath. If there actually is radioactive shit in this building, I’ll just put on a mask and get my superhero debut, ” said local cyclist and former Subway sandwich artist Patrick Bickle. “The amount of mold I have forcefully breathed in has eroded my brain into a smooth orb. I would say I'm happy I no longer have to live with my parents after graduation but I don't even remember what they look like.”

The president’s office of FSU spoke on this tragedy with their most recent statement. “I had no idea we had an English department. The last guy didn’t tell me shit about this. I thought you all knew how to read and write. What do you even do at an ‘English Department?’ work on your British accents?” A spokesman for the president has claimed to be withholding any reimbursement to those affected by the environmental hazards because of personal beliefs. “Yeah, I personally believe they deserve it. Kids are coming up to me claiming that being an English and Communications major is killing them because of the noxious fumes. What the fuck is English and Communication? The first fucking class you take at the school for the deaf and blind? Sorry, that was a lot. This whole mold and English major thing just has nothing to do with football so I’m peeved. If you're going to be weird in college, just do theater or something.”

Although the president and company may disagree with the continued existence of the students they’re supposed to care about the wellbeing of, there is still a possibility of a massive settlement to the families that were expecting no future returns on their investment. In order to justify the loss of these students, each affected family can expect a settlement from $800-$1200 depending on how cute their notes look. So, it looks like there is a bright side for everyone in this situation, students are kept busy post-grad and mom can buy a singular airpod. The other true, unfortunate sacrifice is the few hundred future waiters the world just lost. May they rest in peace. But seriously, take care of the fucking mold.