Suwannee Experiments with Meat-Based Vegetables

Suwannee Room, aka Mrs. Killings’ office, is the most prominent dining hall on the Florida State campus, sorry Seminole Cafe. Like other college dining options, the food there is overpriced and undercooked. However, to distract students from their shortcomings, Suwannee has hosted exciting culinary events throughout the school year. In September, Suwannee hosted an event in honor of Shrektember that featured a Shrek-themed menu by Chef Dan. Well, Chef Dan is back at it again with a new menu inspired by the failure of KFC’s plant-based fried chicken. It seems the only way to get people to try plants is to bring them to their front doorstep, and that’s exactly what they did.

Chef Dan noticed that students only ate fast food at Suwannee. So, he replaced the burgers and fries with meat-based vegetables to encourage students to get greens in their diet. Intended as a temporary change to the status quo in early January, the salad bar featured meat-based broccoli, carrots, and lettuce. However, despite forecasts, the meat-based options were a hit. Students actually started eating their vegetables! FSView called the dishes “new but still has that classic Suwannee flavor.” “It’s still unseasoned and overpriced but I’m proud of myself for eating vegetables,” said Thomas, an avid Joe Rogan Podcast listener. “Do all vegetables turn your tongue green?”

Much of the mystery surrounding the meat-based dishes was what they’re made of. An overwhelming number of students insinuated it all just tastes like chicken. “I use a homemade blend of Possible Meat™. It can’t be found anywhere on the market. Wait, can you take that off the record?” Chef Dan said, squeezing the sweat out of his chef hat over the Mystery Meat, sorry– vegetables on the grill. After this information went public, the Health and Wellness Center started to crack down on the meat-based menu. “We have reason to believe that Chef Dan is using an illegal meat substance in his meat-based vegetables,” the Health and Wellness Director expressed while vigorously rubbing her hands with hand sanitizer. “Consuming this much meat will put students’ health at risk, which goes against our name,” she said after running over three students with her golf cart.

Following the controversy, Suwannee reintroduced fast food to its menu so that students would stop eating vegetables. As soon as the decision was made, FSU’s college report card on PETA.com went back up to an A+. Everything was back to normal. Everybody was happy except for Chef Dan, who had unfinished business. “The world is going green. Sooner or later, people will realize that I was ahead of my time,” he declared menacingly in a Joker voice. “The day of Shrekoning is coming”.