Teenage Mutant Ninja Squirrels Discovered in Sandals Building Drain

Campus has been so calm recently…perhaps too calm. Maybe it’s due to the crushing weight of the fifth week of the semester or the fact that the campus squirrels have yet to plot a coup d'état. For all we know, President McCoullough could really just be three squirrels in a human body suit ready to wreak havoc on whatever is left of students who haven’t been sent online due to extenuating circumstances. A recent probe conducted by FSU’s Department of Environmental Health and Safety revealed something straight out of a Netflix limited apocalypse series.

“We were just trying to figure out the main source of the Radon leak. Let’s be real, we all thought FSU’s nuclear physics department was going to have some sort of long term health consequence show up before the building that what we thought just housed footwear,” remarked Paul Musick, the Lead Investigator from EH&S. “It was all fine until we heard ‘BOOYAKASHA’ thunder from down one of the drains. We thought the LARPers on campus had gotten into the steam tunnels again but there were literally four squirrels fighting to the death with a raccoon yelling about honor and sporting color-coded bandanas. I had to double-check to see if I left my cart in my truck and taken my meds that morning.”

“Bro, I don’t know what’s the deal with the white coats being all up in our business. Yeah, we might have mysteriously gained consciousness a few weeks ago but we aren't causing trouble…yet,” chirped ‘Squirrel-phael’, the seemingly boisterous leader of the four newly awakened rodents. “Listen, if they just gave us pizza or whatever, we would have left them alone. But they’re trying to kick us out of our home—have they seen the rent in Tallahassee? This isn’t very ally of them. We haven’t bit any students recently so I don’t see why we can’t stay. As badass vigilantes, we can keep FSU safer at night than FSUPD ever did.”

It was only a matter of time before FSU confirmed suspicions that faculty, staff, and students have held all along. From losing to one of the meh ACC basketball teams to radioactive exposure— miss girl FSU really can’t catch a break! Maybe now the administration will take strange hazards seriously instead of burying researcher complaints. But until then, let’s just hope that we don’t grow a new appendage as a post-graduation gift.