Emily Mariko Named Suwannee’s New Head Chef
As much as we all love the miles and miles of comfort food that Suwannee provides, FSU’s branding team decided it was time to take the dining hall to the next level. With “what I eat in a day” TikToks blowing up, they decided to bring in the ringleader of TikTok cooking herself. Due to an increase in budget by Burning Spear board members, FSU has made the executive decision to bring on Emily Mariko as Suwanee’s head chef. The long-awaited student Uunion will have to wait another year in exchange for salmon rice bowls at your fingertips.
“I’m trying to rebrand as more relatable. Tallahassee is a perfect place for me to be my real, normie self,” said Emily Mariko as she admired her engagement ring, “I hope the student body and their suffering stomachs are ready for purple cauliflower and kale salads. The pizza bar will be obliterated and replaced by a make your own pPoke bowl bar that will be restocked on a monthly basis.” She closed her eyes and chewed on sliced peaches. “I want students to realize that there is more to food than Chick-Fil-A and Steak ‘n Shake. There’s also farmers markets and boba tea. You guys have the Balmuda toasters here, right?”
The SGA president also gave his opinion on the matter, with strong opposition to salmon rice bowls and frozen grapes. “Our funding should be going towards gendered bathrooms and looking into the black mold crisis. Keep Suwannee Great with how it used to be. The nutrient dessert that it is aligns with America’s values and we should keep it that way. So what if there’s a Starbucks boycott? If you want to be so healthy, get a sandwich from there! If students want to be picky, they can make their stupid poke-y bowls at their dorm desk like the rest of the flocking TikTokkers.”
No matter what your stance may be on the matter, Emily Mariko is here to stay. Say goodbye to Suwannee waffles and hello to muffins with egg yolk in the middle; Emily’s favorite. Although some of your favorites are going, Emily says the omelet bar is there to stay due to the aesthetic. Emily Mariko, named as Suwannee’s head chef, is driven to make that meal plan that’s plunging you into debt totally worth it!