5’9 White Boy Hits Game-Winner in Pickup Game, Awaiting Contract With FSU Basketball
If there’s one universal truth in life, it’s that no matter what there’s always going to be a white boy in the corner for the 3. The game of basketball, although simple in concept, is debatably becoming the most popular sport to watch and play in America. No place has this growing popularity been more prevalent than the crusty public access courts of Tallahassee. Each week more and more people journey to the courts to show their stuff all while dressed like Adam Sandler, and the competition is more intense than you may think. With FSU’s basketball team taking a noticeable enough dip in quality from previous seasons, our insider sources say the team is looking to branch out in finding new talent. What better place to look than the humble white boys and short kings everyone knows and loves who are battle-hardened and ready to compete and compensate.
“Yeah, it was a movie, I just took the shot no problem. I had like 4 guys on me and it didn’t matter,” said Tallahassee's biggest white boy sharpshooter prospect Tyler Tylerson. “Yeah, my friends call me a certified shooter for a good reason” he added. Tyler won the basketball game he played in yesterday with his “insane” game-winning shot (it was just an open and underwhelming layup). No one at the time took it that seriously, but Tyler and his friends believe that shot is going to jumpstart his career. Tyler has recently become the talk of the town, and by that we mean a few people think he’s pretty good at pickup games. “He's come a long way. He used to play at the YMCA on Wednesday mornings, but now he’s playing pickups on FSU’s janky courts Thursday evenings. Serious shit.” added his friend Jacob Jacobson.“He’s ready for anything if he can handle Tallahassee’s sweatiest.”
We tried to get in touch with Leonard Hamilton, head coach of the FSU basketball program, and in response to rumors of Mr. Tylerson’s recruitment he told The Eggplant, “What? Who? What are you talking about? How did you get in here get out of my office.” Needless to say, the buzz about players like Tyler is being noticed by the higher-ups who are looking to bring FSU basketball into a new and dominant era. “My mom thinks I’ll probably be signed within the next few days,” said Mr. Tylerson in a follow-up statement. He further added, “I’m pretty confident considering I carry my team all the time and also my dad is really rich so.”
No one truly knows why quirky little white boys like Tyler can shoot so good, but they’re certainly making waves. FSUs basketball program may just need this addition of some pickup game axe body spray smelling try-hards. Who knew that years of saying “Kobe” when you threw something in the trash in middle school could pay off this much? What’s next for prospects like Tyler? Maybe there’s a contract waiting for him, but I’d put my money on a generic business degree and living off of his daddy’s trust fund.