“Oglesby’s Eleven,” Squad Of FSU Alumni, Arrested For Trespassing On New Student Union Grounds

In 2018, construction began on Florida State University’s student union with the anticipated opening of Fall 2020. Fast forward to Summer 2022 and the building remains closed for construction. However, significant progress has been made on the construction of the new student union this year. Former president Johnathan Thrasher is out of the loop concerning the current state of the union. He, along with the help of his band of rejects, decided to take matters into their own hands.

“The plan was…break into the new student union, play bowling, get dinner, and do other cool shit,” said Thrasher. The only people allowed to tour the union at this time are graduating seniors. The only way these old geezers were going to step foot on the premises is if they posed as college seniors. Thrasher knew for this plan to work he would need a kickass team.

Thrasher was, of course, the mastermind of the whole operation but even he had his shortcomings. NFL player and FSU alumnus Jameis Winston being the flexible yet slow man he is, was brought along as the crew’s gymnast. Dustin Wright, a school of engineering alumni, was the crew’s locksmith. The OneBlood (small) bus driver was hired as the getaway. “When Thrasher approached me, I told him ‘You son of a bitch…I’m in’” said the OneBlood bus driver while taking nine vials from his arm. Also, Mrs. Killings packed everyone a lunch with a special note in it reading “Love you, baby <3”. To convince people that they were graduating seniors, Thrasher begged his wife to give them all makeovers so that they look forty years younger.

Thrasher was identified immediately by multiple witnesses, one of whom reported that “His makeup looked like shit” (Mrs. Thrasher did not respond to a request for comment about her involvement in the makeup). The former president denied his identity and repeatedly used the name “Sean Pasture,” handing Union security a doctored FSU ID card that simply would not scan. It is unclear at this time where Thrasher acquired the card. One student working at the Union called FSUPD after seeing the fake ID, and officers were on the scene within thirty minutes. All of Thrasher’s team members were arrested immediately except for Mrs. Killings, who told officers, “I’m sorry baby! They told me I was helping them with an event for opening weekend!”