FSU Students Asked To Sell World’s Finest Chocolate To Pay for New Student Union

The new student union construction, like any good (half-assed) Florida project, has gone on for far too long and with way too large of a budget. The project took 2 years longer than expected and went $20 million over budget, but this has been addressed on every FSU meme page imaginable so we know you already understand that. The situation has sent FSU’s accounting team into an even deeper suicidal spiral than when Coach Norvell said all the players needed specialized embroidered jock straps. Now with the Union finally done, the deficit unresolved and the windows at the top of the finance department barred shut, it looks like Florida State will have to turn to unusual means to make up for the brick-sized hole the budget burnt in their cashmere pockets. The school is now asking business students to sell World’s Finest Chocolate bars to make up for the disaster.

“You know when they first came to us with the opportunity, I almost passed it up,” said Bruce Centellium, finance student. “But then I realized that this is an opportunity to connect with other hustlers. It only costs $50 per box and I get a free box after I sell four! That's only 200 chocolate bars, can you believe that? The only other people willing to spend this much time and money for a free box of chocolate are the real business-minded folk. I actually met this guy named Bryce (we call him the Wolf of Call Street, get it?) who had an amazing passive income idea. I can't give too many details so just think of something like being a landlord, but worse. It’s all about surrounding yourself with the right people.”

“It really was a pretty easy decision,”  said Senior Accounting Director Marsha Hollypot. “See, we here at the Florida government love nothing more than to watch you suffer.” She began cackling, “I’m kidding. But I mean what are you gonna do, move? We even have the money to make up the deficit, we just like knowing students are busting their asses to pay for school in one way or another. We’re actually thinking of using the chocolate money to install bidets in the locker room.”

So far the fundraising effort has brought in a whopping $450 across only 90 volunteers, which FSU is delighted by as that will cover all the construction workers’ wages for the two-year job. While there’s no exact end date for the fundraising, the Florida Department of Education says it’ll last, “at least as long as it’s 90° out.” There are no plans to offer chocolate sales online but word on the street is that Bruce is accepting crypto.