Professor Who Requires Their Own Textbook for Class Swears They Don’t Have a Praise Kink

As a top 20 public university in the nation (you're really not all that UF), Florida State faculty is filled with brilliant minds. And, it turns out, the lovely professors who teach your lectures aren’t just there to tell you stories so you can take a late morning nap or as background noise while you level up on Cookie Clicker. Many of them have penned books on the subjects they’ve studied for years just to burden other students with their made-up, insanely specific jargon. 

Recently there have been reports of one specific European History professor who is requiring students buy his award-winning book, [insert your choice of a funny silly craazzyyy name here]. The textbook is retailing for $420.69, leading some students to hold an on-site auction after a visit to proof after class. Johnny Apples, a triple major in political science, business, and home economics (with a minor in film studies) was one of the leaders, “My friend got the dumb book from his parents. I guess his mom used to date the guy, Professor Hard, and he had gifted her a bunch of them for every month they had been together. They were just sitting in the basement, waiting to be used as firewood, so we stole all of them and have been price gouging. The pages are sticky…but no one even seems to care.” It’s reported even Ms. Killings wanted in on the action, and President McCullough even showed up (which his hot, smart, wife then dragged him out of– as he had a photo op to pretend he is President, while she does all the work. We love you Dr. Vartikar). 

We spoke with a European History student, Bully McBigmouth, who told us of her experience in Dr. Hard’s class. “He would have us read direct quotes from the textbook all the time. If we didn’t act them out with enough passion or “pizazz” as he called it, he’d yell at us. The thing is no one actually wanted to read aloud because when we would he’d get all antsy and… excited. One time after I had read a page or two he had to excuse himself and go to the bathroom… who knows what went on in the 15 minutes he was gone.” Is that a case? That’s gotta be a case. McBigmouth went on to describe how 75% of their final grade would be calculated based on writing a review for his book on Goodreads, “If it’s less than 5 stars he automatically fails you.” This makes his 3.4-star average almost impressive.

The Eggplant does not kink shame; we are kink enthusiasts if anything! Professors have to get freaky too, we (unfortunately) know that. Although, we are the voice of students. And level-headed people. So, don’t do nasty things in the classroom; keep that in your moldy ass room or your office where you can read your OWN book to YOURSELF.