Woman Commits Mass Murder After Claiming Panda Express Fortune Cookie Prompted Her To

Terror struck our college town late last night as four Tallahassee citizens were murdered in cold blood. The oinkers are reporting that the culprit, 27-year-old L’eggo MyEggo, has been apprehended and is awaiting trial in Leon County Jail where she is being held without bail. In what the blue meanies are calling a “psychotic break,” MyEggo gruesomely stabbed her victims at the finest Asian restaurant in town: Panda Express.

We reached out to the overworked and underpaid cashier who checked her out (like who checked her out like she ‘Checked Her Out,’ no not in that way as in she Checked her Out. Jeez), Margot Sparks, for comment on the sick and twisted murders. “She sold us out of all of our crab rangoons. All of them. It was a bit excessive but I entertained it.” She continued, “I thought, ‘Y’know, maybe she’s having a party!’ But the look in her eyes made me doubt she even had friends. And the drool on her mouth told me they were all for her.” Unfortunately for the crab rangoon enthusiasts out there, they are still completely sold out. Something about a rangoon shortage? Sorry to be the bearer of this bad news. Sparks went on to say, “I gave her a fortune cookie with her ‘meal’ as we do for everyone. I’ll admit it sometimes me and one of the cooks write dumb shit in them when we’re bored, like ‘Ayo ma you got a fatty today, keep it up’ but I don’t think that’d push someone to murder… right?” 

Per her request, brave Eggplant journalists sat criss-cross applesauce in L’eggo MyEggo’s jail cell for this exclusive interview with the criminal. 

Eggplant: So, L’eggo MyEggo, if that’s even your real name… why did you do it?

MyEggo: Oh, my friends call me Joan. L’eggo MyEggo is my full legal name but it’s weird being called that haha! Well, it all started after I had lunch at my favorite restaurant, Panda Express. They were giving out plushies of their mascot for Valentine’s Day and one of them had a glint in his eye like he was alive and wanting, scratch that Eggplant, yearning to talk to me! So I took him back to my apartment and we shared a meal together, talking anything and everything Chinese-American cuisine. It was magical. Beary Bear, that’s what he told me he liked to be called, started telling me about his plan to make his beloved patrons closer to him and he said I was just the one to execute it. Ha, get it! And so I did!

Eggplant: That was… informative… thank you. We have to ask, what did you do with all those rangoons?

MyEggo: Beary Bear told me to share them with all our friends! 

Eggplant: You mean your murder victims?

MyEggo: Since you want to be so technical… They were all so scared of me. But I reassured them with my favorite snack just like Beary Bear told me to do. I still have some leftovers if you’d like some!

That was when she pulled out a Tupperware of stale crab rangoons as a form of peace offering for our journalists, and that is when the interview promptly concluded. 

So to recap, yes, the Tennessee Street Panda Express is still out of crab rangoons. And also, if the mascot at a fast food chain starts talking to you like this is Five Nights at Freddy’s or something, maybe hit up BetterHelp (not not sponsored).