Shake SHART? Laxatives Accidentally Added to Shakes, Mass Panic at Leach

The most popular workout spot on campus is the massive sweatbox known as the Leach (not to be confused with a leech, which the dictionary defines as “a blood-sucking aquatic or terrestrial annelid”). The gym is ten stories high with an Olympic-sized pool, state-of-the-art spin classes, and a basketball court that can be transformed into an ice rink (if you needed that). But the one amenity that trumps all the others is their little cafe known as Shake Smart. Contrary to most Seminole Dining locations, the food is always fresh and the protein shakes taste exquisite. However, a recent tragedy has unfolded and caused irreparable damage to the reputation of this establishment.

The day started like any other Tuesday. The gym rats lined up at the door before 7am and after getting their pump in, some gym-goers stopped at the restaurant for a second breakfast (bulking season, obviously). Others ordered a shake to consume before their workout. And as the hungover students finally rolled out of bed, some swung by to grab a shake before class. Little did anyone know, shit was about to go down (literally). It wasn’t long before bathroom blowouts began happening all across campus. “I ordered a number 1…but little did I know I’d be serving them a number 2 mid-workout,” says one traumatized student. All across the Leach, people were sharting themselves uncontrollably. An unlucky Leach worker remembers the day all too well, “The stench was nauseating. Do you know how hard it is to clean crap off a treadmill??” said Kim Krindashion with a forlorn look in her eyes. Unfortunately, the swim team had an early practice that morning and the coach had treated them all to shakes. Within no time, the pool was transformed to a murky brown color and everyone began screaming. The mess was too big for the minimum wage workers to clean on their own so an entire sewage cleanup squad was brought in. 

But the Leach wasn’t the only place affected– pretty soon every toilet on campus became clogged and the entire plumbing system failed due to overload. The damages totaled a whopping $100,000. Which just so happened to be the entire budget for a parking initiative that would have added 5 more garages to campus. It is unclear how shit hit the fan so suddenly, but an anonymous source reveals some vital information. “All I know is that a supervisor, who will remain nameless, was complaining about being constipated for a week and wrote off the laxatives as a ‘business expense’. I think the new guy thought the shitment– sorry shipment– was protein supplements and added them to the shakes,” they said through the payphone. President McCullough has gotten involved and the CDC has even been contacted (FSU is still waiting for them to open the DM). President McCullough suspended every manager to conduct investigations until they identified the culprit. 

The Leach will remain closed until it is no longer deemed a “biohazard,” and the events that transpired have given the term “shitshow” a whole new meaning.