Strozier Opens Bar To Compete With the Union and Reclaim Title as “Most Popular Hangout Spot”

The three-year wait for the Union has been deemed “totally worth it” by the whole student body upperclassmen with the opening of the bar, Proof, on the bottom floor. As if students weren’t already flocking there for shitty piano renditions, even worse pizza, and bowling; the bar is just another reason to stop by. Failed a test? Go get wasted. Passed a test? Go get wasted. Bored in between classes? Go. Get. Wasted. Truly a revolutionary concept and students are (a little too) relieved that FSU is embracing alcoholism.

The opening of Proof has overshadowed some of the more “traditional” and “landmark” spots that FSU has to offer. So long are the days when The Den and Paint-a-Pot were the best (hungover) hangout spots on campus. And who could forget all the memories made during late nights in Strozier? Apparently, everyone. A representative from the library’s PR team had some things to say about this, “It’s unbelievable how low attendance has been lately. Normally Strozier is popping in the middle of the day– I mean, have you seen the sign? We are Club Stroz, but now…?” A tumbleweed rolled by, interrupting her train of thought. 

The place has become a ghost town, as even lingering freshmen have turned to the Union for a ‘good meet-cute’. It was almost eerie standing in the near-empty library. Strozier was becoming the new Dirac. The Eggplant interviewed a few stragglers to find out why they were not drinking at the Union. “Wait that place has a bar now??” After checking his remaining dining dollars, Freshman Chris Pyne was quick to pack up his belongings and head over to check out the hottest new hangout spot in town. In his haste, a few fake IDs fell out of his bag but he recovered quickly and scurried out of the abandoned library. 

In order to combat this problem, Strozier ambassadors have been brainstorming ways to draw students back in. “Since books and overpriced coffee no longer excite them, we figured we should give the alcoholics what they want. We now have, ‘Spoof’, the freshest, newest, coolest bar located in the basement of Strozier!”, responded library spokesperson Betty Smith excitedly. They are offering a limited-time promo of free drinks if you come before your 8 a.m. class, which has the campus buzzing (literally). It looks like they are taking “Club Stroz” to a whole new level, and not just with a shitty wall painting. 

To attract even more students, Strozier interns will be forced to DJ in 10-hour shifts (unpaid) and the film students have been suckered into setting up strobe lights. Campus tours have been re-designed to make a pit stop at Spoof in order to show parents the university’s commitment to school-life balance. Is Strozier capable of winning back their imaginary title of “Most Popular Hangout Spot”? Will Spoof be enough to steal business from the beloved Union? Only time will tell. But one thing is certain: if alcohol is involved, FSU students are sure to be there. Now let’s go get shit-faced at Spoof!!