Mike Norvell Officially Stages Coup, Seizes Control of FSU
We all love winning. Some of us do it more than others, but surely it’s happened to everyone at least once. Wait, really? Never? Needless to say, FSU isn’t a stranger to a W. When it comes to our long sports history, we don’t just love winning, we love an excuse to get fucked up at noon and watch some football. The FSU football program has arguably had a rough few years, but with this season being undoubtedly our best in a while (go noles) the balance of power and respect people give to certain people has shifted. Mike Neville, beloved white boy and coach of the football team, in the middle of just last night gathered the entire program and executed a full-blown coup d'etat enacting their own brand of martial law. This time the football wins might’ve gone to his head a little bit more than we thought.
The power struggle between President McCullough and Norevell has been extremely tense the past few years, and Mikey has finally had enough of that dork of a president. In the ultimate ironic form of, “Mike got us,” Mr. Norvele has completely got us in a chokehold of his own design and is holding the former President hostage! After back-to-back wins against reputable schools, Noble and star QB Jordan Travis have worked together to form what they’re calling the “#resondregime” consisting of the entire FSU football program. “It’s definitely a stupid name but I’m a polisci major so it’s not like the old President was doing anything for me,” claimed an anonymous student. Living in the post-Thrasher era, students definitely seem to not care about who’s running the show around here, as long as they’re cool.
In what the tenured professors would obviously call a 1984-style takeover, Morwell has placed his reach quickly across all aspects of student life and campus. The biggest and lowest IQ players have been spotted setting up as police enforcers and tar and feathering anyone with UF merch, because why would you come to Tallahassee with anything UF on? Public executions are rumored to be brewing as well. A burning of all non-FSU merch and public execution of the President are likely as a demonstration of force, with Jordan Travis supposedly carrying out the act himself. “I’m not gonna say I told you so, but I definitely predicted this. No one ever listens to the guy who has an apocalypse bunker,” claimed an 80-year-old professor now comfortably hiding in his apocalypse bunker. Jordan Travis is yet to comment since being questioned through his Instagram DMs, but is expected to be promoted to Lordship, meant to be worshiped among both students and the government.
FSU’s fate going forward is as up in the air as ever. What’s next? The student government kids staging a people’s revolution? Who knows honestly. One thing is for certain, though, and it’s that we’re definitely going to eat, sleep, and breathe college football until we’re without a doubt the best team. In fact, as one of their first acts of spreading propaganda, George Norwell and his regime are set to abolish all other Florida State journalism publications and mandating exclusively Barstool content. It was nice knowing you guys, see you at the guillotines!