Matt Gaetz Visits FSU To Spend Uninterrupted Quality Time With Newly Legal Female Student Population

On October 3rd, everyone’s favorite bitch boy with Botox took time out of his busy schedule of fearmongering about illegal aliens committing crimes (not at all true by the way), to visit his Alma Mater, our beautiful Florida State. Well, it’s hard to say he can claim it as his Alma Mater because he quite literally began his speech admitting he never went to class. The political elite are so relatable! Even a former professor of his called him a “terrible disappointment” at the news of his coming to campus. All of this to say, Matt Gaetz’s speech was quite enlightening. For a minute there, audiences seemed so charmed (as opposed to watching our robot overlord Governor Desantis speak), they could almost forget he was an alleged pedophile. 

While Gaetz touched on topics such as immigration and “woke liberalism”, he also spent plenty of time interacting with the crowd. Bryce Anderson, 19, who personally spoke to Gaetz shared his thoughts, “I like… totally thought his ideas were inspiring to someone like me. There just needs to be more representation for young, successful white guys in their prime. Sometimes I feel left out.” Bryce remarked while fiddling with the keys to his Tesla. “It's like… minorities and poor people are starting to replace us. My dad owns a boat manufacturing company, for example, and I just feel like a lot of people can’t relate to that or the struggles that come along with it,” he said, shaking his head. Bryce was quick to praise Gaetz's lifestyle. “If I weren’t already set for life, I would totally follow down the same path as my man Matt. You get to influence other people, go to those high-class events, and hook up with any bitch you want – 0 consequences.” 

However, not all audience members shared the same sentiment. Not all of them smelled like they just came from huffing nitrous behind HCB either. Lauren Sullivan, 21, felt the event had taken an uncomfortable turn. “He spoke a lot about his love for the younger generation, specifically the future women of America. You know… my friend was kind of wearing a low-cut top, and I could tell she really regretted that. He kept directing questions at us, and at the end, he came over and suggested a ‘one-on-one’ chat. I was quite perturbed, not gonna lie.” We all were “quite perturbed” Lauren, but that’s a normal response to being around a TPUSA event.

Once caught up in a scandal concerning minors, Gaetz now appears to be redirecting his attention toward a new demographic: college girls. It’s a brilliant tactic -- all of the same benefits and none of the legal complications. Gaetz was reportedly seen celebrating the event at The Strip later that evening, likely because of the club’s history of letting high schoolers waltz on in there. It’s always important to keep an open mind when we talk politics in the modern day though, maybe he was just trying to keep the kids safe back in his hotel room!