FSU Campus Starbucks Drops New Fall Drink, Lexapro Cold Foam Deemed a Success
Another year has come and gone, and across campus, Florida State students everywhere seem to be trudging to class at a slower pace than usual. Landis Green looks a little less green, Sylly Week left all our bank accounts drained, and of course, degenerate seniors are having to face the horrendous idea of becoming contributing members of society. If there’s one thing that always puts the pep back into the steps of every sorority girl with tinges of racism it’s the Starbucks Fall menu. This year, the on-campus Starbucks locations have hatched a new way to combat the inevitable Sad Girl Autumn rapidly approaching after the Brat Summer™ fallout. If you’re anything like Señorita Awesome of Scream Queens fame and those White Girl Pumpkin Spice Lattes annoy you, we suggest you check out their brand-new Pumpkin Cream Lexapro Cold Foam.
The new drink boasting “groundbreaking combinations of fall spices with the soothing benefits of an extra-strength Lexapro” has been in the hands of students at all corners of campus since its release. A small glimmer of hope has returned to students’ eyes, or maybe it’s just extreme pupil dilation. The drink was released this month in collaboration with FSU’s new “Seminoles for Self Care” campaign as a way to help students recover from crippling losses the university’s football team has been taking since the season’s start. There are probably other reasons for declining mental health, but do we really care about those? Starbucks recently put out a statement advising customers to only enjoy this splendidly seasonal drink once per day, as it contains a 10mg dose mixed in the iconic Pumpkin Cream Cold Foam. So for all of the hot girlies with stomach issues, beware!
“It was a team effort when launching the idea. We pretty much just got tired of seeing everyone looking like they wanted to kill themselves. I’m so glad we’re finally medicating these people that just mope around because they really ruin the brand I’ve built for myself,” said Frey Pachino, the creator of this genius idea, who was adamant about being labeled a “Health Influencer” first, Starbucks barista second. “This drink isn’t just about making sure college students have a sufficient amount of caffeine in them, it’s about supporting their mental health.” Pachino continued as she demonstrated how the seasonal drink is crafted, topping off the cold brew with the silky cold foam, adding a dash of cinnamon on top, with a sprinkle of yelling at customers who are standing right across the counter.
With the booming success of the drink, one can only begin to wonder what Tallahassee's “innovative” minds will dream of next. Perchance Calvin’s Coffee House will introduce an Ozempic Chai Latte, or maybe a Xanax Mocha will pop up at different Redeye locations. While it can’t be predicted what the future may hold, those walking around FSU’s campus seem to be grinning a bit wider and standing a bit taller because of this new menu addition. Be sure to grab one while supplies last, and worry about any long-lasting side effects later.