FSU Football Team Promises to Finally Lock In Now For Real This Time
“I’m going to kill myself” “What did I do to deserve this?” “Why, god, why?” “Fuck.” Every single one of these phrases have been uttered by a Florida State University football fan in the past few weeks. It’s no secret we fucking suck. I mean really? Boston College? Tell me one place in Boston where I can get blackout drunk on a Wednesday night? THE MEMPHIS TIGERS??? WE PAID THEM TO PLAY-- let me compose myself. Every time Saturday rolls around it feels like another kick to the nuts. As a certified, totally unbiased, football expert I only have one thing to say: not cool man, not cool.
The Eggplant was able to attend a press conference held by the one and only King of Gods himself, Mike Norvell. Coach Norvell made sure to let everyone know the FSU football team had actually played a prank on everyone! In the wise words of Mike: “Get fucked idiots! It’s just a prank bro!!” Hahaha! Wow! You really got us good Mike (I’m in constant agony)! In all seriousness, Coach Norvell promises the FSU Football team will officially lock in and recover us to a halfway decent season. All we can ask for is a win against UF at this point right? Please let us beat those nerds at least.
In support of Norvell’s words, starting quarterback DJ Uiagangala (I would spell his name right but he doesn’t deserve that respect) also made a statement. “I’M NOT PUTTING THE FRIES IN THE BAG! I’M NOT, LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!” Such motivating words from Mr. Ukulele. Circle K, a natural sponsor of the press conference, was sure to offer DJ a Job after his inevitable benching. Unfortunately, fans from our daddy’s money rivals at UMiami and UF decided to attend the conference and try to gloat. To no one’s disbelief, they tried talking shit about our team and forgot that their teams have been dog shit since the late 2000’s. We didn’t really care to get names, everyone just awkwardly stared until they got on all fours and crawled back to the holes they came from.
Hopefully, FSU Football fans feel a little more at ease now and can stop watching last year’s football highlights. We miss you Jordan Travis…please come back. Stay tuned for future Eggplant sports coverage where we visit the women’s soccer team and interview someone who knows what it’s like to actually win something in their lives! Soccer school from now on I mean wow they’re so cool. Side note, has anyone checked up on the guy who was supposed to eat dog shit out of a cup? Wonder what he’s up to.