2025 Indianapolis 500 To Be Held In Traditions Way Parking Garage

For the first time in the event’s hundred-year history, the Indianapolis 500-Mile Race will be held outside the great city of Indianapolis, Indiana. To the shock of Formula racing fans, Tallahassee has been chosen to host this year’s race – and the excitement couldn’t be more electric. It’s no secret that Tallahassee has a reputation for producing some of the most aggressive drivers in the nation. The 2023 Chevy Malibu Incident, the widely publicized stunt in which a Tallahassee man managed to coax his vehicle onto the steps of the FSU Student Union, was what sparked the idea of a location change for the event.

“I mean, that’s just raw talent,” IndyCar Series spokesperson Phil O. Nyspeeds commented. “I’ve been around since the Earnhardt days, and I’ve never seen anyone make a car move like that. That takes skill, and the city is just pissing it away with these DUI charges. When we saw that, we knew we had to do something. We were sitting on a winning lottery ticket, and now we’re ready to cash it in.” The natural choice of venue was, of course, Traditions Way Parking Garage. Nearly dying in the biweekly Gameday Parking Slaloms is a rite of passage for Florida State students, and Traditions Way is, according to one student, “like the Thunderdome.” 

“Every time I roll in here during race week, I know there is a very high likelihood that I’m not rolling out under my own power, if you catch my drift,” Roe Drayge, a freshman and rookie racer, told reporters from the driver’s side of his Dodge Charger Hellcat. “But this is a dangerous sport. That’s part of the appeal. And if I die, I died doing what I loved — spending hours finding a parking spot in a garage I pay $300 to use.”

Tallahassee residents wishing to participate in the race must be registered by the start of Tallyween Weekend 1, as the race is set to commence immediately following the conclusion of Tallyween Weekend 2.  Non-participating students and faculty are instructed to move their cars from all levels of the garage by 11:59 PM the night before the race, or to face the merciless driving skills of the participants and be forced to explain any resulting damages to their insurance companies.