Fully Operational Meth Lab Discovered on Fifth Floor of Hoffman Teaching Laboratory

It’s no shock to anyone who’s had the misfortune of speaking with a pre-med student that they’ll do just short of anything to secure their place in a good medical school. For Florida State students, “anything” can include: paying $250 per class for Skoolers, offering their firstborn son to TMH for clinical hours, or even making meth for a chance at extra credit. Because of this, it didn’t surprise anyone to hear that authorities stormed Hoffman Teaching Lab last Thursday in response to a “questionable experimental setup.” Tucked between stacks of tear-stained, organic chemistry exams and some definitely fudged lab reports, a fully functional meth lab was assembled in one of the fume hoods.

Across the west side of campus, faculty members were both horrified and amazed at the sheer academic commitment of the students involved. When approached about the issue, the head of organic chemistry labs, Dr. Kim Micetre, seemed more confused by the outrage of law enforcement rather than the lab itself. “I think it goes without saying that the work ethic here needs to be praised, even if the actions don’t fully align with the law. We need to do everything we can to start encouraging the real-world application of topics covered in the classroom,” she stated, glancing over the course syllabus and quickly scribbling: NO SYNTHESIS OF ILLEGAL SUBSTANCES. “Typically we focus on over-the-counter medication, like aspirin, or light metha- Adderall. At this point, I’m just glad they’re showing interest in the course content.” Dr. Micetre added that hopefully, this “extra-credit” opportunity will significantly decrease the number of tearful premeds at her office door begging for grade bumps.

Following the removal of the meth lab by FSUPD in their cute little hazmat suits, the Department of Chemistry and Biochemistry vowed to keep a closer eye on lab projects. FSU President, Dr. Richard McCullough, quickly released a statement voicing his agreement with the department’s decision. “We love the enthusiasm of our students and their neverending aspirations; however, we cannot let these labs become entirely extracurricular. Moving forward, there will be stricter limits on future experimentation to ensure everything happening on FSU campus stays on the right side of the law. Let’s leave the questionable activities to our friends down in Gainesville.” Not a bad statement from the guy, but I’d personally have preferred a “my bad” and a wink to know he’s chill like that.

In the days since the discovery and subsequent scolding resulting from the situation, the premed students responsible line up daily to defend their actions to anyone who will listen. Not many people are willing to waste time listening as it’s hard to interact with a premed for longer than 10 minutes without them mentioning things like how scared they are of the MCAT, when they’ll be taking the MCAT, or their top score on the MCAT. Between defending their “unorthodox” learning methods and rehearsing interview answers regarding “hands-on synthesis experience,” guilty parties seem to have only been able to hold the attention of DEA agents who are no doubt crooked and offering internships. Unrelated, a newly added elective “Intro to Controlled Substances” taught by a professor W. White has hit capacity. They’re calling it the hottest lab since Orgo II.