8 Things I'd Rather Be Than a Florida Gator

With the annual deathmatch between the University of Florida and Florida State University looming over everyone's heads like the finals that will shortly subtract valuable years off of our sad, debt-filled lives, it’s clear that there is a rare sense of school spirit making its way through campus. So while many of you are still trying to squeeze into the two pairs of pants you packed for break after gorging on turkey and various casseroles, the Seminoles will be battling the Gators on Saturday to answer the ultimate question: which disgraced Florida team will be able to feel a semblance of joy over beating an equally subpar organization? Regardless of the turnout, here are 8 things any sane person would rather be than a Florida Gator.

1. Feeling like a plastic bag drifting through the wind

If I was someone who went to the "Delaware State of the South," I'd be wanting to start all over again. I'd feel so paper thin, like a house of cards that's one blow from caving in. Just from being a Gator, I'd be already buried deep; six feet under screaming and nobody would seem to hear a thing.

2. The ugliest person on campus

I would be perfectly okay with roaming around campus looking like a foot with untreated gout and toe nails that haven't been cut for 2,188 days, the last time FSU lost to UF in a football game. Being the designated ugly friend who gets asked to take pictures instead of actually being in them if it means not having to have the words "University of Florida" written on my diploma.

3. The Cheese from Diary of a Wimpy Kid

This beloved children's book adapted into a garbage film features something way more disgusting than a campus that smells like someone released a jar of farts into the wild that refuse to leave the atmosphere. The "cheese touch" is a moldy slice of cheese that nobody refuses to look at or touch. I don't know about you, but I'd rather be gawked at by acne-ridden middle schoolers and curdle on the ground for years instead of having my loved ones look at me in orange and blue.

4. My ex-friend from high school, Kimberly, who used to bully me for wanting to go to FSU

If you're reading this, Kimberly from Fourth Period Honors Anatomy, just know that I still think you're a fucking bitch and the reason I still go to counseling. But unlike Carson, who's currently a junior at UF and has a beer belly, you've got your life together at the ripe age of 21. You're married to a forklift driver from Home Depot, have two kids who look like thumbs and are already involved in a Ponzi scheme that only locals manage to stumble into. Talk about life goals! I can't wait to get your Hallmark card for the holidays this year.

5. A literal Florida gator

This one is self explanatory. UF's cartoon rip-off of Reptar has NOTHING on that one gator from the Everglades who nearly ate my dad's right leg during a boating tour.

6. Cheeto dust on your fingers

Unlike the Gators, who can arguably be considered a permanent blot on the map of Florida, this residue left on my fingers from the bag of Cheetos Puffs that I just finished devouring is able to be washed completely out of existence. Not to mention that they're good and never leave a taste of disappointment in my mouth.

7. Pubes on a toilet seat

The life of a stray, unloved and undervalued pube left on a toilet seat of a Pita Pit seems more pleasing than that of a Florida Gator. Don’t get me wrong, the two have A LOT in common. They're both easily dispensable and can make me itch for hours until I put on some baby powder. The only difference is that a pube doesn’t mention where it went to school every other sentence.

8. A Florida State Seminole

Fuck the Gators! Go Noles, baby!