Top 10 Movies Of All Time After I Got A Criterion Collection Subscription
You may like movies (maybe you even love them) but you don’t watch them like I do. You don’t truly appreciate the angles, the cinematography (those might be the same thing), the emotional delivery of the lines, the soundtrack, and many more film things as I do. If you couldn’t tell by me calling movies “films,” I just got myself a Criterion Collection Subscription. This subscription is going to change the world and no doubt get me ready to be the Spielberg of our generation. After an intense three days of study, here are the definitive top 10 movies of all time.
10. Citizen Kane – As to be expected. This one is the goat of all time. I haven’t even seen it, but I just know it’s one of the best movies ever made because of its aura. Rosebud? What the fuck does that even mean? I don’t care actually because I’m never watching this. I heard a guy in the film school at a party once say that he ejaculated while watching this movie. He wasn’t, like, doing anything to make that happen (I mean he definitely wasn’t having sex). It just happened spontaneously. That’s just how awesome this movie is.
9. Pulp Fiction – Uma Thurman is really hot. I don’t really have much to say about the content of this one, because if you haven’t seen it you’re likely a toddler. Tarantino is really cool because he makes some really violent stuff, which I’m not mocking at all – I genuinely love that. I don’t care about the interwoven story with endearing characters living an emotionally charged day. I’m just obsessed with that one scene where they talk about shoving a watch up your ass for months. Chills, dude. Chills.
8. Jeanne Dielman, 23 quai du Commerce, 1080 Bruxelles – BOOOOOORING! But your fugly ass boyfriend probably told you to watch, and then when you did (and hated it), he didn’t explicitly call you an idiot, but those eyes are making death threats for sure. Here’s the thing: why do film bros get so offended when you don’t like a movie they show you? I get being disappointed; it’s something you care about, and you want the other person to share that feeling. But to get genuinely mad or upset? Do they not understand that other people are also, in fact, real? And have their own feelings and thoughts? I especially find this to be the case when showing women movies. If you’re a guy and you get all weepy when you show a girl a movie and she doesn’t like it, do the world a favor and kill yourself.
7. The Minecraft Movie – I really feel like I don’t have to explain this one. We’ve all seen the trailer, it looks freaking epic! I haven’t even seen it yet and it makes this list! Man, Jack Black? I love that guy! Jason Momoa! Creeper – aw man! I wonder if Herobrine will make an appearance…oh boy! I’m getting really excited. I’m getting, like, really, really excited about this. I think I’m more excited for this movie than I’ve ever been for anything in my life, ever. Oh man. Oh my God. Oh my God! Keep going! Oh! Keep going!
6. The Last Samurai – I mean, come on. Samurai + Fighting with Swords = Masterpiece.
5. “That one movie with the… the guy from uhh” – It’s your mom’s favorite movie. Shit, it’s my mom’s favorite movie too! God bless her, she can’t remember what it’s called, but it definitely has that guy in it. And it definitely has that one part in it, according to her at least. My mom has a lot of memories that are hidden from me, so many moments in time for sharing only to be cut short by the folly of words. If she could only find them, she could tell me of lost loves. But these years will remain unknown ever after. Anyways, I’m pretty sure the movie she’s talking about is The Proposal, starring Ryan Reynolds and Sandra Bullock.
4. Cars 2 – My friend Aidan Ahbed recommends this CRUCIAL piece of film noir be listed in this list of essential movie canon. Some of our readers would attend the opening of a can, but why attend the opening of a can when you can open a can of beans and watch Cars 2? Does anyone remember that meme? If you do, please text me at 540-407-7842 and tell me. Or call me. Somebody please hit my line. Please..
3. Глуп филм о голубовима – What? You haven’t seen this one? Are you some sort of filthy swine rummaging around in your own feces? Unlike that other pretentious French film, this one is even more awesome (even more pretentious). It’s a masterful 6-hour black and white movie about the Serbian government told through the eyes of a pigeon. A real tearjerker. I won’t spoil it, but the twist at the end is crazy. Mike Tyson would love this one. I’ve never been to Serbia, nor do I plan on it, but this gave me a pretty good idea of how life is over there. There is nothing that arouses me more than something being avant-garde.
2. Avengers: Infinity War – The average film bro won’t get it, but I’ve got a Criterion Collection subscription. In comparison to the black and white movies your grandma likes, this is the type of fast-paced slop the new generation wants. People might try to hate on this movie, but Iron Man is awesome and Spider-Man kicks fucking ass. If you don’t enjoy this movie, you need to reevaluate your entire life and potentially consider a lobotomy.
1. Dog Man – I mean, come on. It’s the cinematic experience of a lifetime. Although it’s the most recent film on the list, we can’t NOT put it in. There’s been a lot of hype for Dog Man and it’s clear to see why. In case you’ve been living under a rock, Dog Man tells the beautiful tale of a dog and his police officer owner who, against all odds, fuse into a singular man (this is the Dog Man) and fight crime as one (stay with me now). Think of a reverse Air Bud but far more esoteric and introspective. It’s a true character study into the duality of man and his best friend and a guaranteed magnum opus for its up and coming director, Lester Box. I smell an Oscar’s sweep.