Student Figures Climate Change Will Decimate Earth Before 700-Word Response Is Due
For those not living under a rock - or more appropriately in a doomsday bunker - it may seem like the end of humanity is knock knock knockin’ on Earth’s door. According to every media outlet besides Fox News, scientists can tell that within this lifetime the earth will be too hot to inhabit and will most likely end up just as fucked as Venus. With all of this information, it makes sense that it would take a toll on the mental health of Earth’s more mindful inhabitants, which somehow includes the students at Florida State University. In fact, some college kids can’t even bring themselves to start their class’s required 700-word response on last night’s readings; they’re too busy assuming that climate change will wipe the planet out before its due, and rightfully so!
“Last week I was in class scrolling through my feed and clicked on what I thought was lyrical outtakes from Mitski’s ‘Nobody’ only to find it was actually an article about Venus, formerly the planet of love, and how its hellish landscape used to look just like Earth’s. Now that’s what I call a tragic ten (billion) year challenge, only rivaled by the decrepit cast of ‘Fuller House,’” said Jamis Smith as he used his ‘homework time’ to instead carve hieroglyphics into slabs of stone for Earth’s next population. “There’s no point in drafting my homework response because no one will get a chance to read it once the fires begin. With all the reports and news stories circulating the web, there’s just no way the sun won’t grill us to ash before next Monday at 11:59 PM. If I pick up the book now, all I will be able to think about is how there’s one less tree to save us from the angry sun god.”
“First of all, the homework responses were due a week ago. Nevertheless, there will be no penalty because frankly, I don’t see myself putting the grades in before the Earth turns into a floating ball of melted wax,” declared Professor Pfefferman as she changed her syllabus to read ‘NO CLASS, End of the World’ for week ten. “I totally understand why all my students have yet to turn in their responses on Canvas, and it’s not just because my homework assignments clearly reflect that I was brought up on Blackboard and never adapted. Everyday we are bombarded with the seriousness of climate change, and much like this assignment, the only logical response at this point is to just not bother and deal with the ten-point penalty later.”
In times of crisis, it helps to look to our heroes, such as young climate activist Greta Thunberg. Did Miss Thunberg bother to turn in her homework responses before swimming across the ocean to climate summits as a way of limiting her carbon footprint or, like, pet a shark? No! It is vital that we lowly civilians also showcase our tenacity in this manner, even if that means leaving our unfinished reflection assignments for martians to find centuries from now and wonder if we were really that fucking stupid.