Snapchat Notices That One Year Ago Today, You Were Skinnier
Snapchat memories were first introduced as a way to cherish old memories that technology has programmed people to believe that they could never remember. After all, there has to be a reason why “phone eats first” every time they purchase an acai bowl. At first, the feature was compelling enough, reminding everyone that a year ago today they were hounding their mother around the kitchen until she would give them something Vine-worthy. But it’s not all fun and games. Today, all it seems Snapchat wants to make clear is that a certain someone used to be three pant sizes smaller.
“One second I was getting ready for school, and the next thing I know, I’m being fat-shamed by my phone. I was basically being told to Depop sell those old jeans to a Brooklyn-based influencer with an Urban Outfitters membership card because they’ll never fit the heifer I’ve become!” exclaimed Jack Flannigan as he inspected his dryer for any potential shrinking-related malfunctions. “I guess Snapchat does have a point. I have been eating a lot more ham for more hours of the night than I used to. It’s only because I don’t go out as much, which is another thing Snapchat has picked up on. To be reminded of this first thing in the morning, or worse, twelve o’clock at night--when my self-esteem is running as high as the numbers on my scale--is just inhumane. It’s abuse!”
“I, too, am a victim of Snapchat fat-shaming, and I stand in solidarity with everyone who has been brave enough to come forward with their stories. I’ve heard many of them and lived most of them, each one crueler than the last. It’s not easy admitting that one year ago today you could do a cartwheel in a fraternity’s front yard without splitting the seam of your jean’s taint region, but yes, it’s true,” admitted Tara Booker, as she yanked at the crotch of her well-worn yoga pants that she confessed to wearing for several consecutive days. “In fact, one year ago today I was ten pounds lighter; that was skinny enough to keep my mom from posting cow emojis under my Facebook pictures. To make matters worse, there’s always my wedding blogger bitch ex-friend in my old pictures. And of course, she’s only gotten skinnier and more Instagram followers since.”
Although dodging these Snapchat memory bombs has provided many with the necessary exercise that they typically only get when escaping Mormons on Landis, some say it’s just better to delete the app altogether. But beware; there have been alleged stories of Snapchat memories finding a way regardless (the most recent of them involving a billboard and a gun). And let’s face it, there’s a masochist inside of everyone that craves a little pain, whether it’s in the form of stepping on the scale or seeing what they looked like one year ago today.
Image source: Snapchat