The Eggplant FSU Horoscopes - October 2019
The air is getting cooler, the leaves are beginning to fall and your mom won’t stop pestering you to get your damn flu shot - that’s right folks, Christian girl autumn is in full swing. While the month of October is known to bring about the first whispers of cuffing season, keep in mind that there are plenty of other concoctions the universe has been conjuring up. Hold onto your tighty whities, because October is about to be a month full of twists, turns and jump-scares galore.
Aries
Hey, bitch. Much like the weather, you need to cool it. It’s time to turn down your love for confrontation and arguing - except, of course, for your Sexy Judge Judy Halloween costume. It’s October, so pretty much everyone is #goingthroughit at the moment. That means you need to hold your tongue until everyone’s stable enough to handle you.
Taurus
It’s a big month for you, Toro. Your earthy spirit was practically made for Halloween, which is why you annoyed the shit out of your roommates when you went balls-to-the-wall at Hobby Lobby last weekend. While the decorations are only temporary, the hard-earned cash you’re blowing is definitely going to have a lasting effect. Tighten up that wallet, or October might bring the scariest bombshell of all: credit card debt.
Gemini
Hi, stupid! We love you despite the Gemini slander all over the interwebs. Don’t let the haters discourage you. Yes, you are batshit crazy, but be batshit crazy and PROUD. Harness the twins that symbolize your zodiac sign and give people the two-faced treatment you were born to play. There’s nothing a fake smile and some convincing “mhms” can’t cover-up.
Cancer
Hey, little baby. It’s officially Cocktober, which means it’s time for everyone to get down before they put on their winter weight and lose their self-confidence until May. However, we know you, and we’re not about to let you fall in love with the guy you made out with at the Strip AGAIN. Keep it real, hoe, and stuff your mouth with bite-sized Snickers before you tell the next guy who liked your Instagram post that you love him.
Leo
Roar, Leo, roar! This October, harness the energy of your ruling Sun when trying to outshine the incompetent fuckwads you were forced to do a group project with. Oh, no one wants to present in front of the class? Good thing you’re a motherf’n Leo and fear nothing. Give that presentation on feline AIDS like it’s the Goddamn State of the Union. You’ve got this.
Virgo
Hey Virg(in), it’s officially midterm season a.k.a your time to fucking shine. Very few things can surpass the overwhelming gratification of slaughtering your enemies (your fellow classmates) in a valiant battle (filling out your scantron first). However, you have to make sure to give yourself a break from the constant grind. Go to a movie! Binge some candy! Suck a dick! The world is your oyster.
Libra
Happy birthday, Libra! As you absolutely decimate your liver while completing this month’s MadSo challenge, remember not to go too stir crazy too quickly. October is a long month, and the festivities are sure to bring about plenty of opportunities to binge-drink while dressed as various furry mammals. Pace yourself, and godspeed.
Scorpio
Cheerio, Scorpio(us) Malfoy. We know that lately, you’ve been absolutely buzzin’, but there’s a chance you’ll be getting mugged off soon. Keep your guard up and go for a chat with the girls when you need it. Lit-rally no bloke is worth you selling yourself short - especially not that bloody DJ.
Sagittarius
Sag, cuffing season is upon us, and you are certainly no stranger to this. We know that your fiery personality brings all the boys to the yard, but keep your third eye open when a seemingly-worthy suitor comes along and tries to sweep you and your chunky Filas off your feet. Men are never to be trusted, especially after they’ve spent an entire summer preparing to strike during the chilliest, loneliest months of the year.
Capricorn
No Cap, it might be time for you to loosen up. It’s only halfway through the semester, and you’ve thought about bleaching your hair at least five times. If you keep this up, your noggin will be a weird fluorescent blonde-orange before you can even say “toner.” Call your mom, carve a pumpkin, and realize that the group project will get done even if you let Tiff make a PowerPoint instead of you making a Prezi.
Aquarius
Aquamarine was my favorite movie as a kid. Did you ever get in the pool and swim with your legs together just to see if you could hack it? Or like what about swooshing your arm across the water so you could pretend you were a Water Bender. Katara had such cool hair. Yip Yip!
Pisces
Ugly, take a step back and analyze every decision you’ve made up to this point. October is a month full of transitions, yet you seem to be as stationary as the unforgiving Tallahassee heat. Are you as hot as you think you are? Do people actually think you’re funny? Are lowlights really a good choice, stylistically? These are the questions, and only you have the answers.