Eggplant Horoscopes November 2019

It’s November, which means midterms are over and final projects are just beginning! Take the one second you have free this entire week to learn what the universe has in store for you. Hopefully, for your liver, it’s not as many y-bombs as last month.

Aries

Oh poor, Aries. For a person who loves to win, you’ve taken some major Ls this past month. But don’t worry, your time is coming soon. Your fiery energy will light up this November as you burn all the people who have wronged you. Don’t get too ahead of yourself, though, you still won’t be able to diss your daddy issues. 

Taurus

T-t-t-Taurus, Talloween has thrown you off your flow, but anyone can recover from mixing candy corn and cheap vodka—even you. It’s time to take some time for yourself that’s not spent yakking over a toilet. So, buy that pair of leopard print sneakers you’ve been eyeing every time you go to Target, draw yourself a bath, and maybe clean your room while you’re at it. 

Gemini

Gemini, Gemini, Gemini…calm down. You don’t have to prove to your mom that you have a social life, good grades, and healthy eating patterns. No one is perfect. Stick to one and roll with it, baby. You know people love to be around you, but make sure you’re not just rubbing your intelligence in their faces. We get it, you got the highest ACT score in your friend group. 

Cancer

Cancer, did you know that Randy Jackson shares your sign? Sometimes I think about that iCarly episode where the teacher is obsessed with Mr. Randy and has like a whole shrine to him. I can’t decide if it would be kinda cool or just scary if someone had a shrine for me. It would be nice to have that much attention I think. It’s a yes from me, dawg!

Leo

Leo, get excited because the holiday season is upon us, and there’s nothing you’re a better fit for than a season of decorations and eating a ton of pie. Don’t get so caught up in the craziness of the end of the semester that you forget to enjoy everything it brings. There’s no other time you’ll be able to get schwasted while wearing a novelty turkey hat, so enjoy it while it lasts.

Virgo

Try to be less like a robot this month, Virgo. It’s awesome that you love to be organized and plan ahead, but take a breath and also a sip of something other than a room temperature glass of water. Your sex life might need some help; it’s okay to admit it. If you loosen up and ask that guy out in your class who keeps asking for a pen, you might get your b**bies touched for the first time in three months.

Libra

Lib, you’ve had to take on a lot lately in your friend group. It’s not easy being the group therapist when one friend is going through a breakup, one just died their hair black, and another thinks her watercolor paintings of butts could really turn a profit at First Friday. But if anyone can get your friends back on track, it’s you. Take on your roll in stride; just don’t forget your wellbeing matters too.

Scorpio

Happy birthday, Scorpio! Let yourself cry this month! Getting old is scary. Lay down your guard and tell your S.O. how much you hated the present they got for you. Communication is key to a relationship, especially if they think you’re deranged enough to go around all day smelling like the patchouli candle they bought you. Also, stop so feeling bad about the fact that you definitely ate an entire pizza the other night.

Sagittarius

Oh, Saggy…follow through for once! If you told your roommate you’d buy her a new carton of eggs, buy her a new damn carton of eggs! You also need to keep begging your parents to let you study abroad in Florence. You deserve it. Plus, think of all the friends you’ll be able to cut off once you get there. Seriously, your roommate isn’t going to leave you the f*ck alone, so why even bother trying to talk to your friends from home.

Capricorn

We get it, Cap, you haven’t missed a single assignment this semester. Don’t get too cocky, though. That group project taking up 60% of your grade is about to rock your world when you’re the last one to get chosen out of the whole class. People don’t love a know-it-all. Play dumb occasionally—just not when you’re accepting drinks from a strange frat boy at the pregame. 

Aquarius

Between classes, keeping your life in order, and trying to convince your roommate that the apartment does NOT need a pet hermit crab, things have been pretty overwhelming. As much as you’ll hate it, the solution is actually to go with the flow a little bit more. Yes, everyone and everything around you is stupid, but honestly, it’ll be more fun to blame everyone else when shit hits the fan anyway.

Pisces

Miss Pisces, the semester is practically over, which means it’s time to get back to your true passion: planning a screenplay about a lizard you once met in a dream. But for realz, there’s a little over a month to go in this semester and a lot of fun to be had. You’ve worked hard these past few weeks, so it’s time to kick back, relax, and reward yourself with a can of wine and a new personalized vitamin subscription.