Coca-Cola’s Grisly Holiday Can Features Realistic Dying Polar Bear
You know ‘em! You love ‘em! It’s officially time for the Coca-Cola polar bears! Now that it’s finally December, we can officially rejoice in seeing those cutie-wittle-pollie-beaws diving around on the frozen ice, clawing for a nice cold carbonated beverage before the movie trailers finally start. Though we have been accustomed to Coca-Cola’s winter mascots decorating the company’s cans for years with their bellies full of fish and their fur as white as the more enjoyable kind of coke, it seems this year the bears have either kicked their soda addiction and dropped a few, or Coke is finally enlightening the world to the effects of climate change.
“To be honest, we saw Baby Yoda and just thought ‘Well, fuck it, we can’t compete with that,’ and decided to not even try marketing the polar bears as the fuzzy and loveable soda family that American carbonated sugar fans are so fond of,” said the head of Coca-Cola’s marketing team Tim Hawkins as he used a heavy black sharpie to expunge any and all evidence of Coke’s contribution to the holes in the ozone layer. “We have always been eco-conscious! Don’t even get me started on the green mansion effect. This is our time to highlight what is really happening to polar bears. As you can see from the new cans, they’re yellow now! You can count all of their ribs! They have to live in caves made out of Pepsi bottles!”
“It’s no shock to me that this is happening; even Tallahassee has had only two days of hard nips weather. Coca-Cola is doing right by displaying the polar bear family as an endangered and anxiety-ridden tribe of bears struggling to make ends meet. However, I did think their commercial of the baby polar bear chasing a Coke bottle, with very minimal energy, on broken sheets of ice before falling in the boiling ocean and drowning went a little far,” said super senior and environmental science major, whatever that means, Shonda Hall as she tossed a soda can into a trash bin, missing it completely. “And I’m not entirely sure the image of mother polar bear roasting her baby cub over an open fire for her own survival makes me want to drink more Coke, but it sure does get me in the holiday spirit!”
Naturally, the Coca-Cola Company has captured the world's attention with this cleverly vile stunt, but the message hasn’t quite yet registered with the human species. Many people expect Miami to give Atlantis a run for its money way before student housing complexes ever offer a means of recycling. At this rate, in a couple of years, the only polar bears in existence for Coca-Cola to depict on their holiday cans will have to either be in zoos or on Grindr.