Peace, Equality, Dieting and Other Resolutions That Have Already Failed in 2020
We’re fresh out the gate of a brand-spankin’ new decade and there are already threats of war, heinous Academy Awards nominations and being enticed by the drive-thru signs lit up like the Christmas tree your roommates insist can be décor for any season. A new year is always a great time to forget about everything in history, like the time you wolfed down an entire bag of Sun Chips in the Publix parking lot and Don’t Ask Don’t Tell (although it made for some good gay army porn). But what was supposed to be a fresh start for 2020 turned out to be just another year of the Academy only nominating a black woman if she was in a slave film and reluctantly confirming that UberEats order at three in the morning. Only fifteen days into the decade, we have already failed on every goal that our drunk, ketamine-pumped selves deemed possible to accomplish. Here are all the resolutions that have already failed in the new year:
1. Peace
Okay, hoping for world peace was a little much to expect to happen overnight, especially a night where half the world is drunkenly cold-calling their ex. Resolutions don’t always pan out, but seeing WW3 trending just days into the new year (and seeing it’s not for a third Wonder Women film in development) was just ridiculous. The universe heard the human species’ silly little phrase “new year, new me” and decided that it could mean a lot of things, like becoming a soldier or a cute little nuclear war.
2. Equality
Now, this one just hurts. It is 20-fucking-20 and men still have razors that could cut down trees while women have razors that couldn’t cut a bitch! And gay people still don’t get discounts like veterans or the elderly. And who could forget that not a single woman was nominated for best director; although in the Academy’s defense, “No men were nominated for best actress!” does totally check out.
3. Dieting
Not even a carefully crafted vision board could save us now, no matter how many pictures of Paul Rudd’s sweet porcelain face we glue to it. Every year, it’s a popular resolution to adopt a healthier lifestyle. And while no one is eating kale anytime soon, we just assumed it would be easier to order wheat bread instead of white in 2020. But here’s to 2021, where we will only have hardtack to eat while fighting on the front lines of Iran.
4. No-Mo ScarJo (Cancelling Scarlett Johansson)
It’s been decided: Scarlett Johansson’s publicist is the smartest individual among the human race. That’s the only reason ScarJo is somehow still around, pulling Oscar noms as if out of a hat (that might just say Make America Great Again, but you didn’t hear it here). It seems Miss Johansson was on a mission to ruin her career during the last few months of 2019 by making transphobic power moves and throwing her support to villains such as Woody Allen and the painfully basic Colin Jost, but hey, “Marriage Story!”
5. Protesting Amazon Prime
Just over two weeks in, and the orgasmic sensation one gets when slitting open that blue strip of tape lining the item one ordered just two days ago continues to overload the senses. So much so that we have entirely forgotten one of our resolutions was to not make an overworked warehouse worker miss all their bathroom breaks so we could get a toothbrush and a limited-edition Funko Pop of Joe from “You.” It looks like there really is no ethical consumption under capitalism.