Michelle Obama Dropped a Workout Playlist Just in Time to Make You Feel Fat

Although the long MLK weekend was a welcome sight for college students already burnt out from Syllabus week, the arrival of late January also meant it was time to ghost any New Year’s resolutions faster than whatever frat guy you accidentally swiped right on. Whether you had an extra slice of crisp Suwannee pizza instead of the salad bar, or you slammed one too many jägerbombs at Pots, it’s hard to find anyone who has been on the straight and narrow since the holidays. While most of us would write it off as just another aspiration for next year, the duchess of fit, czar of muscular arms, and goddess of all things fresh and holy—thy royal highness Michelle Obama—dropped a workout playlist this week, and her message was clear: get back to the gym, fatties. 

“Before Michelle Obama’s playlist dropped, I was content with just having my twice-a-week Diffenbaugh hike as my workout,” said sophomore Anthropology major Angela Rodriguez while googling “easy weights for ladies.” “It is as if I have traveled back in time to the 2000s. Not only does Michelle’s playlist have some stellar throwbacks (a little J-Lo never hurt anyone), I feel like I’ve been sent back in time to her Let’s Move! Campaign, where every Gen Z-er was simultaneously fat-shamed by the United States government. I can’t go down the road of wondering if being fat is why Nick Jonas doesn’t love me or if I should develop Type 2 Diabetes to bring us closer together,” said Rodriguez while viciously snacking on a bag of Doritos that would have never been allowed in her middle school vending machine.  

“I can’t help but wonder if Michelle subconsciously knew that I got zooted and downed Guthrie’s twice in a row last week,” noted weirdly skinny for a binge-drinker Erin Mikkelson. “Did she know that I would never be able to set foot in the Leach unless someone guilted me into it? Or kidnapped and dragged into it by the personal trainers?  Either way, Mrs. Obama knows how to turn my favorite jams for when I drive 0.3 miles to class into a reminder of how I should have just walked to get my steps in. ‘Soulmate’ by Lizzo and ‘3005’ by Childish Gambino will never be the same for me, but hey, at least we still have the dirty version of ‘Apeshit,’ right?

Now that Michelle has dropped her workout playlist, many are finding themselves transported back to 6th-grade, where their main worries were if Demi and Selena would ever become friends again or how Justice would destroy Limited Too’s business model. When Michelle and her husband were in office, many of us couldn’t help feeling like, no matter how much Wii Fit or Just Dance we played, we would always be fat in the eyes of the First Lady. Well, the childhood trauma is back, but maybe this time fat-shaming will work and not just make you resent your mom as an adult. Either way, just make sure to avoid a push-up contest with Mrs. Obama. No one needs to see that again.