Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell Reveals Dream Cast for His Season of “American Crime Story”

As the third Impeachment trial in U.S. history comes to its somber end, noted piece-of-garbage Mitch McConnell hammered the final nail into America’s coffin by essentially rigging the Senate trial by refusing to hear from witnesses—you know, that thing trials are known for. It sounded especially strange when the ideal witness, John Bolton, practically a gift from God sent to the Senate floor wrapped in a divine bow only the angels could tie, presented himself with actual evidence. But nope, we won’t hear a peep from him or anyone else. But not all was lost, as this complete lack of information will only fuel the creative spirit in the “American Crime Story” writer’s room. It even appeared that Mitch McConnell was excited for his guaranteed installment of the show, evident in his unprecedented dream cast announcement, made live on C-SPAN on the Senate floor. 

“Obviously Jessica Lange will come out of retirement for the eighth time to play my wife/slave, As for the male white cis-gendered actor who should play me, the magnificent Mitch McConnell, I’m still left with many questions—none of which will address whether the President of the United States has done irreparable harm to the country,” announced McConnell as he uses the time that could have been used to maintain the integrity of the country to instead name all the actors deemed appropriate for his portrayal. “A big factor in the matter is the budget, of course. The actor blessed with the role of myself must have the top of the line prosthetics to get my ballsack of a chin just right, although a roll of Pillsbury dough with a slit for a mouth might just work. Screw it, Sarah Paulson can do it. She’s probably being tailored for my President Trump nighties as we speak.”

“Shockingly, I agree with what Mitch McConnell said today. I, too, think Matthew McConaughey would make a great Michael Bolton. Both of them will do or say anything to get on camera and be important the second after it is too late. I am, of course, referring to Bolton’s last-minute evidence and McConaughey’s tendency to speak well after the “Wrap It Up” music plays,” said Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer as he continued to repeatedly stab between his fingers with a steak knife in rapid succession as a way to prepare for Monday’s final arguments. “He’s dead wrong about Larry David playing me; it’s gotta be someone hotter, like George Clooney or The Rock.”

Although we have a long time before we ever get to see this season of “American Crime Story,” there are still many real crimes to watch unfold, which, God help us, you can tune into 24/7 via Twitter. The nail-biting sequences playing out on the flatscreens of American households everywhere will surely be remembered for decades and disinterested APUSH students to come. And if anyone can somehow make light of this political nightmare, it’s going to be the visionaries of the show that made Marcia Clark’s god-awful perm look chic.