Monarch Butterfly Going Through Midlife Crisis Gets Human-Shaped Tramp Stamp
Monarch butterflies only live for about two to three weeks in their lifetime. That’s not much time to experience all the ups and downs this universe has to offer, and more people would recognize the plight of the butterfly if it weren’t for those goddamn attention-seeking honey bees. But for one Tallahassee butterfly nursing her nectar addiction, enough is enough. This butterfly has turned toward the things in her first week of life that remind her of feeling one second old again, like the sting of getting a human-shaped tramp stamp along her lower abdomen.
“Once I realized I wasn’t in the same shape I was four minutes ago, I spiraled. I then started noticing even more things, like how my daughter of .56 seconds already had bigger, bouncier antennas than me and how my husband of five days was found dead in the dewy flaps of a male venus flytrap, which I’m sure began as a sexual affair. I did the only thing I could do to remind myself I still have some life left in me,” said Betsy the butterfly as she wriggled her wings to make it look like her tattoo of a human was performing the renegade. “I flew myself to the only butterfly in the garden who knew how to work his way around a human pen. I say ‘knew’ because he dropped dead just after detailing the poorly-done lip injections on the human’s face.”
“I’ve known Betsy for what feels like minutes, and I can say I never thought of her as the type to spiral like this—unless it was to dive wings-first into a coneflower, which is what we nicknamed her before realizing it was becoming a real problem. She started bringing home moths of all tribes and kept talking about great migrations to the bushes of the Hooters parking lot,” said Besty’s concerned friend as he gestured towards Betsy’s blade of grass, which had gone empty ever since her husband died and she took it as permission to “make cocoons” with anyone willing. “Last time I saw her, she was spouting out all the things she was going to do before moonrise, like snort birdseed and—oh for nectar-god’s sake—get a tramp stamp to seduce whatever ‘yellow-winged beast’ hatched next from the nearest cocoon.”
Sadly, it’s been confirmed that Betsy was laid to rest roughly four minutes ago, having never fully recovered from her bad decisions, likely perishing from ink poisoning from the nectar-teardrop face-tat placed just below her multiple left eyes. So whether we have one more week left in this lifetime or thirty years, it seems all beings go through the same motions of a mid-life crisis, although, only a butterfly has the ability to legally get away with most of it. And if this is how the inspiration for butterfly tramp stamps everywhere are doing, imagine how depressed and reckless dolphins must be.