Friendless Losers Around the World Report That They “Social Distance Year-Round Lmao”
According to hip and fun newscasters on every station, people everywhere are expected to stay inside and keep an Adam Driver’s length between each other as COVID-19 makes its way throughout the world. While many idiots have refused to follow these guidelines, some have appeared overexcited for everyone else to join them in their sad little lives. Over the week, introverts have taken to Twitter (before being screenshotted and posted to Instagram to be reposted multiple times all over the explore page) to describe their superiority over those that have acquired friends that enjoy their company. While these people would usually spend hours in their beds scrolling through Instagram stories of others at brunch, they now get to scroll through Twitter to watch people complain about being home all day.
“Yeah, honestly life hasn’t been all that different for me, I’m just rewatching ‘Friends’ for the 13th time and eating constantly lol,” said Alexandra Flores, otherwise known as the girl that only retweets nuanced buffalo chicken dip recipes and mediocre content from a relatable poems account. “It’s amazing to see all the people that never invited you to parties playing puzzles with their moms on a Saturday just like the rest of us! ROFL!” After being reminded that there is a serious pandemic facing the world at the moment, Flores responded, “Obviously the coronavirus is super sad and all, but like let’s be grateful for what we do have: Netflix lmao.”
“Of course she is loving this, she hasn’t hung out with anyone besides the high school creative writing club in like 4 years,” said Max Flores, Alexandra’s cool older brother that often drinks straight from the milk carton. “I’ve tried to spend time with her since I can’t see literally anyone else anymore, but it’s impossible. All she does is talk about her 13 stan accounts for One Direction. Like, they broke up five years ago, get over it already.” Due to Max’s large group of friends, he is having much more difficulty coping with the virus. “Dude this really sucks, I mean like my dad and I are still going out on the boat every day, but it’s just not the same without my boys.”
As COVID-19 continues to spread, most are wondering when the day they will finally be able to have sex again will come. Others, who are usually at the bottom of the food chain, will continue to boast about just how unaffected they are. Does this mean that social status means nothing anymore? No, it’s a new era, where people with pools, triathlon families and friendless losers reign supreme.