Quarantine Drives College Kid to Finally Start Those YA Novels They Bought Back in Middle School

Before the end times, your old bedroom turned storage closet was just a go-between to toss your crap into before taking off to do one of literally three things that are semi-enjoyable in your hometown. Now, in these trying times, that small room carrying dozens of repressed preteen mistakes is  the only solace available to get away from mom’s frenzied crafting and dad’s next round of problematic commentary regarding that ‘damn Chinese virus.’ After laying unmoving for the first two weeks stuck at home, maybe getting out of bed and actually doing something is the next step. After aimlessly walking in circles trying to be TikTok famous, there's only one thing left to do to pass time: pick up one of the cringey post-apocalyptic romance books you bought when you were 11.

 “What up, I’m Jared, I’m 19, and I never f*cking learned how to read. Not really, but like, I definitely haven’t picked up a book since “The Hunger Games” hit the big screens. I gave up on ever reading again once I realized they’re just gonna take every reasonably acknowledged YA novel and crank them out into mediocre movies,” said Anika Martin, who zoomed our staff for this talk from a pillow fort overfilled with paperback dystopian books. “I’ve officially rekindled my crush on Percy Jackson, though maybe I should wait to say that when I’m reading one of the books where he’s NOT an 11 year old. And that’s not all. “Mortal Instruments?” Addictive. “Uglies?” Traumatic. “Vampire Academy?” Horny beyond belief. There’s nothing more invigorating than reading about a group of kids that aren’t even old enough to drive viciously slaughtering the leaders of an oppressive and corrupt government.”

 “Anika was always strong, you know? The kind of girl that will dump photos of an unwanted dick pic on the internet, so a real feminist. But I think the coronavirus is getting to her. She texted me last night saying that ‘the time of our own post-apocalyptic nightmare is nearly upon us,’” shared Christine Taylor, Anika’s childhood best friend, while sharing the elaborate outline Anika sent her of “the team.” Christine expressed her objection to being cast as the quirky, lovable and ultimately useless protagonist's best friend, and worst of all: a camper in Cabin Nine. “I’ve never even considered what could happen by combining the righteous fury of a 20-something who lived through the 2016 election with the unstoppable strength found in a gaggle of kids saving the world after thousands of moronic adults couldn’t even get close. The fear is beginning to set in.”

Hopefully, Anika can wait to dismantle the American government until after everyone gets their phat unemployment checks. A reread of all the “Maximum Ride” books should keep her busy for a while. If you are looking for that plucky, unstoppable power with just a dash of teenage angst, take a skim through your bookshelves at home. You don’t realize how many of those books are lying around just begging to be dog-eared one more time. Time to forget about our current dystopian nightmare by replacing it with another one.