Dad Willing to Risk It All for Cup of Frozen Yogurt

The stay-at-home order Governor Desantis instated in Florida this week is very serious. Even if most of America isn’t actually listening, no one can leave their house unless what they’re going to get is absolutely essential, and no, getting dick is not essential, Meagan. In case you’re wondering what is actually fundamental for survival, you can leave the house to go get groceries, pick up medications at the pharmacy, walk your dog around the neighborhood, and luckily for your dad, go out to get frozen yogurt.

“I keep gloves in my glove compartment for any time I leave my healthy family to go get my cup of yogurt. Ha, gloves in the glove compartment! Would you look at that?” laughed Jim Harrigan, avid Racquetball player and proud father of FSU student, Mandy Harrigan, while licking melted chocolate off his fingers. “I’m the man of the household. I doubt I’d get sick from taking a quick trip to the local Yogurt Emporium. My kids get so annoyed at me for risking my health to get my fat-free, low-carb, no added sugar dessert. But when a sweet treat comes with an extra punch in my punch card, I just can’t quit it!”

“I told him if he goes out to get ice cream one more time, he can’t come back,” said Harrigan’s wife Kendra, whilst removing her curlers and wrapping her casserole up to wedge into the back of the freezer stuffed to the brim with chicken thighs. “My children and I have been home for the past 216 hours. We haven’t left the house even once—except for the time I ran to Costco to get some Sauvignon Blanc and a jumbo bag of Pretzel Thins. It is just so selfish of him. You’re not going to die after not eating frozen yogurt for one night, Jim, but you will die after I submit your ass to divorce court!”

Pretty soon, roads will be cleared and the military will be patrolling the streets, not allowing any dad to say he’s making an “essential trip to the...uh...store.” Unfortunately, men are pretty dumb, so let him learn on his own and take some chances. What’s the worst thing that can happen—he gets put in jail for guzzling his favorite froyo? Just remember, for now, an essential trip for your dad is not taking advantage of his exclusive senior citizen time slot at the grocery store to pick up some extra toilet paper and milk, it’s getting his daily fix of that good ole chocolate-vanilla swirl.