Breaking: Claudia Conway in the Running for Biden’s Secretary of State
After months of exposing scandals and tikking toks, now-infamous whistleblower and accomplished lipsyncher Claudia Conway is being considered for Joe Biden’s Secretary of State. Despite ardent attempts by Claudia’s mother, Kellyanne, prominent presidential advisor and scary lizard person, Conway has already begun negotiations with Xavier Trudeau and Yekaterina Putin through their muy exclusive group chat. The implications that this decision may have on the future of politics and poorly-behaved daughters everywhere are astronomical.
“When Joe first asked me to be his SOS I thought it was super fucking creepy, but then I realized just how much it would piss my mom off so I’m definitely weighing my options,” said Claudia from the depths of her jail cell/bedroom as she tuned into the latest Fox News report on her, a teenage girl. “Between my pending reality show, constant family turmoil, and things with this guy I’m talking to, I’m just not sure I have the time to handle whatever Hillary used to do. My dad is supportive of me taking the job but I think it’s more because he’s waiting for my mom to give him a good reason to finally get a divorce.”
“Of course I do not support my 15-year-old daughter becoming Secretary of State, but thankfully she will never be able to fulfill that opportunity due to the fact that she is, indeed, 15. More importantly, our great, strong president will be in office forev-- the next four years,” said Kellyanne, who is reportedly at her wits end with her much cooler daughter’s virtual antics. “I just wish she dyed her hair pink or got pregnant like a normal politician’s daughter, but instead she decides to get a better job offer than me and, by proxy, ruin my dreams of building a home inside Trump’s asshole.”
While it’s unlikely that Claudia will be able to fit the time into her busy schedule of being the blueprint for every teen’s rebellious phase, it’s nice to see the youth getting the same opportunities that any 80-year-old white man could achieve with ease. For now, Claudia is quarantining with her family in an expensive and homely boxing ring. She will be announcing her final decision “soon” on a TikTok live Q&A, so make sure to tune in once she gets her phone back.