Donald Trump “Really Going to Miss” Daily Oval Office Seances With Mussolini, Robert E. Lee
The mid-season finale of 2020 just aired, and what a wild ending it was. The writers outdid themselves when Donald Trump, the political anti-christ, ended his reign of terror in front of a sex shop and a crematorium. Sources inside the White House are saying, however, that Donald Trump is going to miss his late night Ouija Board meetings with his two (not so great) best friends and trusted advisors, Benito Mussolini and Robert E. Lee, the most.
Chad Johnson, former College Republicans member and current Trump War Room staffer, said that Trump is going to have a tough time wishing his ghoulish friends goodbye. “Donald Trump used to summon the ghosts of Mussolini and Robert E. Lee so often that the West Wing felt like the Hogwarts bathroom. They basically took the place of his cabinet when everyone quit. Why do you think he tried to designate Antifa as a terrorist organization? Mussolini absolutely lost his poltergeist shit when he found out that there were people protesting his life’s work. I saw Trump wandering around talking to himself, but I found out later that he was actually chatting with Mussolini about the best way to begin World War III. When the pandemic was getting really bad, Trump was seeking Lee’s council on how best to use it for his own personal gain. Lee said that he should just let it rage, since 400,000 people died of disease during the Civil War and it almost led to the downfall of the North. Trump thought it was a genius way to ensure the demise of the democratic party.”
Anna Evans, a FSU Digital Media Production Major, was doing a press internship with Fox News and had unfettered access to the White House. “Since I’m 20 years old, blonde, and told him his hair looked real, Trump basically gave me a one-way ticket to the Oval Office. We used to call the West Wing ‘America’s Sixth Sense’ because the spirits of so many disgraced leaders were summoned to lurk around the building. Melania didn’t even bother decorating for Halloween because the place was already haunted as shit. Apparently it was Jared Kushner’s job to gather souls for Robert E. Lee and Mussolini to feast on as payment for their services. Trump loved using Victoria’s Secret Bombshell Candles during his seances because they smelled like a teenage Ivanka. One day, Robert E. Lee and Mussolini couldn’t make their daily Oval Office meeting with Trump because they were scheduled to be tortured in hell. Everyone was too afraid to tell the President that Mussolini and Lee were hanging out without him, so they made Mike Pence put on a shadow puppet show and pretend to be the two fallen leaders. Trump never questioned it for a second.”
No matter what the case may be, we are thankful that some basic rights and character have been restored to the White House. If you are a Trump supporter, we’re (not) sorry, but the fact that we can even write this article and have it make sense shows that you backed the wrong dude. Three cheers for Democracy!