7 Ways To Ensure Grandpa’s Last Thanksgiving Is Something He’ll Be Thankful for
Let’s face it: Grandpa’s getting old as fuck, and his time on Earth is running out. Statistically speaking, there’s a high chance it was going to be his last Thanksgiving anyway, and with your entire extended family flying in from all over the country during the continual peak of this pandemic, it’s now almost a guarantee. We can sit around and be sad about it, or we can make the best out of it and celebrate a life well-lived by making this Thanksgiving one for the books. *This list may also be used as a seven-step guide to becoming the new sole inheritor in Grandpa’s will.
1. Act like you’re listening for once when he tells one of his “back in my day” stories.
You would probably be just as grumpy as grandpa if no one ever took your stories seriously. Try actually putting your phone down for the whole story; old people hate technology. This simple gesture of appreciation will mean the world to this old-fashioned man.
2. Talk a little shit about Grandma in his confidence.
Boomers are well known to have more of a love-hate relationship with their spouses than other generations. Grandpa tends to say a lot of mean and usually sexist things to Grandma, so this move will genuinely appeal to his inner sensibilities.
3. Take him on your annual “walk.”
The gas packed in that doobie is nothing like what grandpa used to toke up in his prime. Be prepared to watch PopPop head to the moon and back on this walk. The stroll ensures that Grandpa might not remember all of Thanksgiving, but he will most definitely be thankful.
4. Cross off any easy last-minute bucket list items.
He can cross “learn a new skill” off his list after teaching him how to correctly roll a dutch master blunt while on the walk—a skill he can use to impress all of his bingo buddies on Monday nights. While you’ve got him stoned, there might even be time before dinner to try and teach him how not to be so racist, with an after-dinner slice of munchies-esque pumpkin pie, of course.
5. Make sure to have all of Grandpa’s favorite dishes.
Remember to prepare all of the Thanksgiving classics that Grandpa can’t get enough of: peas, cranberry sauce, and of course, that big juicy bird. He won’t be able to get enough of that green bean casserole he looks forward to every year. This step is especially useful due to the lingering effects of number three.
6. Give him some of your famous pumpkin pie.
It’s from the grocery store, but what he doesn’t know can’t hurt him. Those Publix desserts are much tastier than anything you could whip up anyway. He is way too close to death to have time to notice the difference between homemade and store-bought pie. He loves it just the same. Work smarter, not harder.
7. Line up those shots.
It doesn’t hit quite as hard as when they put cocaine in Coca-Cola, but alcohol will make a great ending to the perfect Thanksgiving. Plus, proving you can go shot for shot with Grandpa is the ultimate way to earn respect in his eyes. Make it a scotch on the rocks and you’re well on your way to singular-trustee success.