COVID Vaccine Hidden in Walmart Bins for 5 Lucky Black Friday Goers

Black Friday: A capitalists’ holiday where every year thousands of idiotic Americans choose to hospitalize each other in the name of a new plasma screen TV. This year will, unfortunately, be no different. The lines for Best Buys across the country have now outgrown the COVID testing lines, which is concerning since no normal person has walked into a Best Buy in at least 5 years. In order to control the cases (and more importantly raise sales), the CEO of Walmart has taken it upon himself to hide 5 loose non-FDA approved vaccines in the aisle bins of select stores across the country. 

“We wanted to do our part in fighting this pandemic one customer at a time,” said Doug McMillon, CEO of Walmart and slave to the Monopoly Man. “While the vaccines have not been tested for possible side effects, each customer that walks in has signed an invisible contract subjecting themselves to any and all complications caused by the formula. The best deal this holiday season is none other than one with the devil.” In true Willy Wonka fashion, McMillon garners no concern for the safety of his beloved customers whether or not they have 4 immunocompromised elderly waiting in one queen-sized bed at home. 

“I was reaching into the $5 video game bin and felt something bite my hand. At first, I thought it was a rat but then I pulled out a rusty syringe and realized it’s a good day to be an American,” said Scott Huntington, star shooter on his high school’s virtual shotgun team. “Even though I’m as strong as a horse, it’s nice to know the big man upstairs is looking out for me. Now that I’m officially cured, I can finally go back to school and even visit my MeeMaw in her nursing home. After all, I did risk my life to get her that discount sewing machine that’s actually three years out of date. Thanks, Walmart!”  

While many folks are still social distancing, wearing masks, and following CDC guidelines, grown adults with brains are enjoying their Black Friday shopping all across the country! Other corporations have followed Walmart’s lead and taken ant-sized leaps in the direction of a healthier America. Target has replaced every employee with kids thermometers and Macy’s has even created checkpoints of alcohol chambers to disinfect every customer that manages to make it through the door unscathed by New Balance footprints. Thank God for our corporate giant generosity!