Girl Who Did Nothing All Day Still Can’t Find Time to Workout
Alarm clocks have been put to rest as every person without something to wake up for snoozes through noon. On a normal day, it’s hard to wake up in the morning, but with nothing to look forward to and a bleak future ahead, it’s merely impossible to complete the invisible list of to-dos for the day. For every fitness guru, this has been an incredible time to tighten up their already perky ass, brag about the number of push-ups they can do in an Instagram story and show off their homemade celery juice. But for students and non-essential workers alike, this is the perfect time to eat at unusual times, bake banana bread, and not break a single sweat (besides Tuesdays and Thursday when you have your zoom lecture with that cutie from bio).
“I would rather lay on my couch for 18 hours of the day in stained pajamas than do a live stream boot camp from the girl who rejected me from her sorority,” scoffed Jenna Bakari, writer of FSU’s satirical publication, while eating her fourth bowl of Cap’n Crunch and judging the length of her toenails. “People who are saying “you have no excuse not to get active” can suck my juicy ass. Do they not understand how tiring it is waking up at 11 a.m. from my dog barking, barely paying attention in my Modern Lit course and then microwaving a Stouffer’s dinner for my exhausting family of four? No one gets how hard it is just existing at this point.”
“I wake up at nine every morning to go for a run and have tried to wake Jenna up multiple times, but she just tells me to ‘suck a fat dick and rot in hell,’” said Alice Bakari, Bakari’s sister, and verified fitness instructor, while doing her second Peleton class of the day. “If I’m not going to be able to do my normal workout, running ten miles around Central Park before taking an Orange Theory class, then I’ll have to overcompensate for it by making my family feel bad for barely being active this quarantine and eating way too many saturated fats. I actually enjoy doing circuit training where my dog usually naps. If you have time to watch three hours of TikTok videos every night, you have time to do lunges around the neighborhood.”
It’s pretty clear that you can’t make people who usually don’t want to move work out, especially in such a stressful time. Rather than shaming the lazy b*tches who want to sit and relax every day, just show them some respect for staying true to themselves. There will truly never be another long period of time to do nothing again, so you might as well take advantage of rotating places (all littered with crumbs) to lay down while spilling various foods on your chest. Stay healthy and safe, and remember, it’s okay not to do yoga or HIIT classes in your dining room. We won’t judge you.