Grocery Store Run Provides Proof Corona Has yet to Kill off Middle-Aged, White Male Entitlement
Leaving one’s own personal hobbit hole for the first time in two weeks to pick up another pack of double-stuffed Oreos has become one of the most exhilarating pastimes of current COVID life. That is, until, you remember that you still will be at least 6 feet away from every self-respecting person in the store. People crave social interaction, but it seems the pandemic has taken all of that away from us. Well, the virus should be stopping everyone, except for the middle-aged white dude who steps right into the personal space of any girl under the age of 25, peels his camo bandana from his face and states how it's pretty girls who are the reason the sun still shines nice and bright even on the bad days. Yeah. Gross.
“What's the big deal? We’re all gonna rip ‘em off and dump ‘em in our shopping carts for those customer service workers to deal with later anyways. I can’t shift my mask a little to make sure the little lady knows I’m smiling?” said John Doe, who refused to give us his real name because he didn’t want any of his actions described in this article getting back to his wife. “Women love to be complimented. Doesn’t matter if it's at the grocery store or when they walk by you on the street. And I’m more than happy to let those lovely ladies know just how lovely they are.”
“Okay, first off, my headphones were on when he suddenly started waving his hands up in my face. Did he forget that my headphones are the universal grocery store shopping sign for ‘fuck off, I’m not here to socialize?’ And then he compliments my laugh? Dude, the only thing I’m laughing at is—fuck sorry I’m not sober enough to finish this joke,” said Catey Collins, who is now rubbing hand sanitizer on her face where she thinks we previously mentioned John Doe may have breathed on her. “What, because I’m wearing a homemade face mask with little Tom Nook’s stitched on I’m suddenly fishing for compliments? Well, yes, but ya know, from people born after 1995.”
Everyone knows society is basically living through the end of days. We can’t even make the awkward, not quite smile lip purse one does when making too long of eye contact with a passing stranger since half our faces are covered in a mask. With all of this in mind, the staff of the Eggplant FSU asks you not to be total dickheads. Wear your face masks in public spaces, be respectful of the people working their asses off in grocery stores, and NEVER make someone take their earbud out when they’re wearing while in public. Come on guys, it’s common courtesy.