Weed Guy Now Offering Contactless Delivery
These days, the trick of the trade for any open business is to offer a service that doesn’t require a physical exchange between people. While some businesses and entrepreneurs have found difficulty in offering this kind of contactless delivery - including the likes of massage therapists and sex workers - others have thrived. All pizza companies or restaurants that serve grease poured on top of something edible have been booming ever since every day became a ‘treat yourself’ mental health day! Unfortunately, some of Tallanasty’s (that nickname has ever been more accurate) self-made business owners are struggling with contactless efforts. But thankfully the creative neighborhood “Weed Guy” has found a way to get the kids their weed without the risk of spreading anything but “good vibes only.”
“When I say contactless delivery, I don’t mean I’m delivering weed in my car without wearing my contacts because that would be illegal. I’m saying I now deliver the good green earth juice that God lets grow in plant form to my entire contact list without being within 6 feet of them,” said Weed Guy (that’s his legal name) as he packed his car full of “grass” (weed) while simultaneously packing a bowl with his “glove-wearing hands.” “I know the lower-level drug dealer industry has changed, but that doesn’t mean I can’t build up a good clientele by throwing big grams from the window of my 2009 Civic. I’m like the reverse paperboy. Ya know, because tree gets turned to paper. Call me the neighborhood treeboy!”
“When this all started I was so perplexed as to how I was going to get my weed. Considering I certainly didn’t trust the hygiene of my weed guy before the pandemic, I was a little worried. For the record, I still think he lives in the dumpster behind the sorority house. But now that he offers contactless delivery where he chucks the bag right to my doorstep - or through the window on an off-day - I can get mad high while staying mad healthy,” said Gina Robbins while she watched “Contagion” so stoned that she looked less alive than Gwyneth Paltrow’s character. “If my dealer can safely make it work through these times, then I have no doubts that we can safely reopen this economy by tomorrow at the latest. Don’t quote me on that, I’m stoned out of my fucking mind.”
In fact, all weed guys around the world are shifting to contactless delivery. It’s either that or staying home and baking the world’s strongest pot cake. It appears that a world with a pandemic is manageable, but a world without weed is impossible. As Jeff Goldblum once said: life finds a way. Jeff and the “Jurassic Park” screenwriters were obviously foreshadowing weed delivery during a national crisis. Weed is actually being sold faster than ever because of contactless delivery. It might be the only stock left on the market - and if that joke doesn’t make sense, it’s because we’re all so fucking high!