Zoom Shares Plummet While Chin Spanx Stocks Soar

At the very start of the apocalypse, Zoom stock was a very promising place to put your money. Every working person on the planet had to move from their depressing office cubicle to their even more depressing homespace to communicate with others through a virtual meeting room that failed to hide extra chin fat. While Zoom first functioned as a great way to track a peer or colleague’s weight loss progress, its stock has flatlined almost as quickly as everyone’s diet regimens. Luckily, this failure has lent itself to the invention of Chin Spanx--a technological leap in spandex, not unlike something engineered by NASA or the motion capture team behind “CATS” (2019). 

“God himself couldn’t count the minutes I spent before each Zoom call trying to strap back my double chin with chip bag clips. But now, thanks to Chin Spanx, I can put that time to use by actually skimming the assigned readings right before a class call,” said fifth-year senior Rachel Newman as she set her Zoom background to a healthy and brightly-lit living space. “I used to hide behind a photoshopped picture of myself before my professor got brave and demanded we connect to screen-video, enlightening an entire class of nineteen students to the embarrassment that is their newfound face fat. Now, everyone has Chin Spanx and some actual self esteem!” 

“We’ve had the idea of Chin Spanx locked and loaded for centuries. As you know, the spandex industry dates back to Egyptian times, but we have waited for just the right moment to put these bad boys on the market,” said CEO of Spanx and FSU College of Business alum Sara Blakely as she received an ominous phone notification confirming ‘Bezos is out.’ “Of course Zoom was never going to stay on the top of the food chain without the ability to hide the neck fat of its millions of users. Dear God, I hope they can’t get digital filters--we’d be so fucked.”

The mission statement of Chin Spanx has become just as popular as the brand itself, and perhaps even the national anthem or their company jingle, Single Ladies: Life Is Best Lived Through A Screen With A Skinny Neck. The world-wide phenomenon of Zoom has officially been replaced by the need of every-fucking-one to have an artificial jawline, which totally makes sense in our newly-facetuned world.