Beating Club Goers With Clubs for Stonewall
We are in an international health crisis, the state has made it clear that they only protect the wealthy, white, and straight and Meredith is still going clubbing. Aren’t the clubs closed? How could she possibly be getting her public party on? The new Club COVID has guised itself with restaurentership, claiming their hundreds of wasted patrons, every night, are safe because they’re at tables with cauliflower aioli. Because of their single order of a buttery vegetable, college students across this cursed land continue getting trashed in public despite their full awareness of the pesky pandemic.
To Brick House, Township, Madison Social, Cancun’s, and Potbelly’s,
The Queer Mob is onto you. We will beat you. With clubs.
If patrons of these fine dining drinking establishments read this, know that for each kiki spent inside these bars, the Queer Mob will key key your car (or bird scooter for those of you with a suspended license). For every snap taken of your table of 10+ idiots, the Queer Mob will snap your legs in 10 different places. And for every Meredith who drags her gay roommate to the club because he knows you never finish your drinks, has the gay community not suffered enough? (i.e. AIDS, i.e. the way you apply concealer, etc.)
On June 29th, 1969, Marsha P. Johnson threw the first brick at The Stonewall Inn, a queer bar being raided by police for the sake of the bar’s patrons being illegally gay. She started the queer liberation movement with a brick. Queers have evolved since then, and so have their tools of liberation. Curtain rods, selfie sticks, curling irons, and rhinestone dildoes have all been adapted for the modern-day movement against ignorance. And y’all at these clubs are the living definition of ignorance.
Queer people have lived so long in the shadows, which makes sneaking behind your pack of maskless messies with a blunt object and rage easier to queers than applying inner corner highlight. So, for once, use protection and stay at home rather than spending the night tossing back bogo margs, something that should be exclusive to queer people anyways! Direct that energy of pounding shots at an outdoor bar into asking to pound your roommate; it’s not gay in quarantine!
And for the love of all queens everywhere (and yes, I’m referring to you Josh, I know you watched Drag Race with your girlfriend and loved it) wash your hands and your ass. The longer this shit terrorizes the planet, the longer the saintly queens down at 926 are out of a job. So take a note from the sole queer bar in all of Tallahassee (yeah, the other one burned down) and order your drinks TO GO.
On a serious note: Black Lives Matter. Work every day on being anti-racist. And stream Louder by Big Freedia.