Eggplant Horoscopes November 2021

Ring, ring, it’s seasonal depression calling! Even though Florida rarely dips below freezing (50 degrees Fahrenheit), the winter months can sometimes feel like a constant cloud over your head. That’s never stopped anyone before though, especially not you, from taking November by the horns and thrashing it around until it eventually gives in to being survivable. The Eggplant’s spunky team of astrological philosophers is here to tell you how you can best deal with your autumn to winter transition with grace, style, and pizazz. 

Aries: Hey Aries, who are you hiding from? That’s not how you usually are. Nothing should stop you from doing what you WANT to do unless it’s going out to Palace Saloon. Seriously, stop going, there is a 98% chance you lose a year of your life for every Bud Light pitcher you consume. 

Taurus: Hey bull bitch, just because it’s sweater weather doesn’t mean you should buy out the local Goodwill. I know, it’s tempting. A peppermint mocha, a new sweater, maybe a new $500 Instagram lamp to set the mood, but you have to reign it in. The holidays are about giving, not receiving, so whether it's getting your roommate breakfast or treating your significant other to their piss kink, tis’ the season!

Gemini: Oh Gemini, oh Gemini, the goal this month is to not ruin Thanksgiving dinner again but if it’s about that one uncle that no one seems to like and yet still shows up to the family gathering--cause that chaos, hun! But for November, preserve your energy as this month is about self-care. If needed, switch it up! You love variety but that does not mean chain smoking behind the puke corner in Poor Paul’s.

Cancer: Alright Mx. Crab it’s finally your time to whip out the Christmas Pinterest board! Sure, you’re a summer baby but you always cry on your birthday anyway. The holidays are where your heart lies! The weather dropped below 60 degrees so that means it’s time to buy out the Ocala Publix hot cocoa supply and raid the target candle selection. But remember, just because you want to live in a fairytale doesn’t mean your roommates will be cool with their whole house smelling like a candy cane. Not everyone can be as jolly as you.

Leo: Hey beautiful, keep that mane up! I know it’s getting colder and you don’t want to part with your thotty fits but you have to keep warm. I don’t wanna see a queen getting cold on the long walk to recess. So use your powers for good and get the closest man in your life to hand that hoodie over. A hoe may never get cold but royalty should never have to shiver.

Virgo: Bestie, it’s time to pull out that plaid skirt and corduroy pant to pretend to do a bunch of work. The best thing about being a Virgo is that you don’t have to actually accomplish anything, people will just assume that you do. That’s your power. Don’t be afraid to use someone for body heat in this cold cold weather. Even if you won’t marry them and want to live out your Little Women dreams of being a tortured business professional, it’s okay to give someone an open mouth smooch in the meantime. Sweater weather means cuddles, even if your sweater was thrifted for $56 dollars and your significant other is in a Nike hoodie. 

Libra: Miss girl, just because it’s not your season anymore doesn’t mean you have to hibernate. Yes, I’m sure you’re having FOMO (as usual), but don’t let that derail you from your goals. This is a time for introspection and snowflake crunch iced lattes so please, take care of yourself, babe. We also saw your eye on that Target flannel and you should just get it--it’s fall-themed and cute and we totally support you!

Scorpio: Scorpio, Scorpio, Scorpio. This is your moment. It’s time to put away your pinschers and stingers, we know you’re a softie. Mars is in Scorpio right now so whatever you choose to do, you can achieve it--no manifestations necessary. Well, maybe don’t put off studying from your finals or that pesky group assignment but you will get through this November. Anyway, trust your heart (not your head), and have a happy birthday!

Sagittarius: Hey again! We know you’re stressing over the need to pretend to love your family with all these thankful holidays coming up. We promise, your life will be full of gifts and treasures soon enough as everyone remembers how unhinged you become around your date of birth. This is a good thing, you’re kinda cool and people should pay a lot of attention to you. No, really! Adorn yourself with mixed metals and the coziest of those plaid jackets as if you’re royalty in an A24 x Shakespeare film for maximum joy in this season. If you dress the part, we’re positive people will drop to their knees when you walk by; for kneeling, for prayer, and an assortment of other activities. Happy almost birthday, you.

Capricorn: How’s your sinus infection? Bad? We know. Maybe if you weren’t all, “go go go” and a little more, “let’s only take on things I can actually handle” this wouldn’t be happening. PSYCHE! Stop blaming yourself for every little thing that happens. We know it’s nearly impossible, but it’ll help. November bodes well for you, sweet Cap, because it’s sort of almost your season! Go kiss someone on the mouth and beat a Sag out of a job position. It’s to prove a point!

Aquarius: It’s cuffing season. Go on then, cuff someone! Go on, go and be vulnerable for once! Jokes, but seriously. Make like department stores at midnight on Thanksgiving and open up. You deserve to be boo’d up under someone else’s arm with The Christmas Prince playing at low volume. 

Pisces: Just make your girlfriend dinner she’s asked you like seven times and is getting tired of asking it can literally be Kraft mac and cheese but just make the fucking gesture. Stop crying in your bedroom babes it’s 2021 and depression is universal. Smoke a pack of cigarettes clench your asshole and get ready to serve a full Thanksgiving platter of cunt this holiday season.