Op-Ed: Y’all Don’t Fuck With Ham?

Ham. What more is there to say? A lot, actually.

Since the passing of Thanksgiving, there have been two things on my mind:

1. How all my exams are quickly approaching and instead of studying over Thanksgiving break I just disassociated, went back to my toxic high school mindset, and pretended like full on winter break had started so now I am rushing to get my shit together while realizing how blood-curdling real life is???

2. Ham.

I feel like someone’s opinion on pork is a clear indicator of who they are. Every time I meet someone new, I have to question them on the matter before even thinking about creating a connection because I have lost numerous friends over the subject. I just can’t afford to be friends with ham-haters anymore.

You get their name, oh how fun—Janice, where are you from? Small talk, any backstories they want to try out on me—cool. Then, wow—Thanksgiving may be 7 months away but I am starving like a fucking elephant (use this exact terminology, works like a charm), what are your thoughts on ham?

The response meter goes:

“I prefer it fried, actually” The most perfect person you could ever find. Never let them go. Gorilla grip/big dick, guaranteed.

“I love it” Acceptable, let's continue this conversation, have 10 kids and teach ‘em how to dream.

“It’s okay” I can fix them.

“No” Red flag.

“Why the fuck would you ask me that” Double red flag. You need to run. They will never understand you.

“I don’t/can’t eat meat or pork” = Absolutely no conflict here. We reserve no right to be angry with them. The question coming after this might be regarding how they feel about tofu cooked to taste like ham.

Why would you pick dry, crusty, turkey when ham exists? Ham is a mostly unproblematic food! This food that you can cut into any shape or girth you desire: thick ham, cubed ham, thinly sliced ham, horizontal or vertical ham; the possibilities are endless. Classic slices of ham, delectable. Ham sandwiches, a kid’s classic. Spam, fuck yes. Fried ham, crispy and delectable. Sweet glazed ham, sex on a plate. 

If you walk into Thanksgiving, or truly any family gathering, there’s always an expectation that has to be met with whatever you bring. The lowest tier is obviously not bringing anything, and turkey is an unfortunate given. What will you choose to grace the table with? Dessert you picked up on the way over? 

Or a big ol’ ham, juicy and glazed, to see everyone’s faces light up. With that ham, you have the power to halt even the deepest political arguments; vaccines, taxes, and even gas prices don’t stand a chance against that slab of pork. So truly, what more is there to say except that Ham Hoes are the best kind of hoes.