Astroglide Unveils New Medicated Lube For Depressed Horny People

Spring semester and 2022 are now in full swing, and you know what that means: the Leach is full, morale is low and your New Year’s resolution is to not let your SSRIs prevent you from sleeping with other horny college students. Prozac baddies everywhere know how difficult it can be to get the downtown slip-n-slide moving when your dopamine levels are down, but our favorite sexual capitalist Astroglide has a new solution for that exact problem. A new medicated lubricant called “Lexa-Flow” has just hit the market, meaning all the serotonin you need can be easily absorbed directly through your freshly-flicked bean.

“I feel like I have a new lease on life,” said Landis Green LARP-er and horny community representative Candace Olsen. “Things can definitely get steamy underneath my medieval cosplay, but not in the ways I want. When my sheath connects with his sword, sometimes there’s a bit of friction because of the medications I take. However, now that Astroglide has my back, I get even more excited when the armor finally comes off after a long day of dueling. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go load my catapult.”

“We’re super excited about this new iteration of our iconic lube,” said Astroglide campus rep Emily Wilkinson. “We think it will help out so many students who struggle with mental health as well as their libido. Of course, since we’ve just revealed the product, there are some kinks that need to be ironed out. Some of the side effects of Lexa-Flow include: anxiety, blurred vision, constipation, dizziness, dry mouth, fatigue, feeling numb, insomnia, nausea, sexual side effects, weight gain, weight loss, loss of appetite, loitering at Calvin’s Coffee House, drooling (especially at the FSU Women’s Lacrosse Team), confusion, increased mental clarity, suicidal thoughts, seizures, death, and an upset tummy. Although, we tend to believe that these side effects pale in comparison to the joy you’ll feel when you finally have sex with some sweaty guy you met at Clyde’s.” 

If you’re wondering where you can buy some Lexa-Flow for yourself, be sure to check the Pensacola Street CVS, where you will undoubtedly need to ask the mean pharmacist to unlock a glass cabinet to get it. While you walk alongside the white-coated woman, you will be asking yourself why sexual health products are locked up anyway, but it doesn’t matter. She’s already judging the shit out of you. Happy lubricating!