Local Woman Would Definitely Have a Valentine This Year if It Wasn’t for COVID

Maybe the only good thing about the persisting Coronavirus pandemic is its function as a ubiquitous excuse for just about anything. Whether you need a handy line to get you out of doing lunch with a friend you’ve secretly muted on Twitter or you want to use gym closures as an explanation for why you haven’t done anything that remotely resembles exercise in the last 9 months, COVID is your girl. But as we approach a particularly tender holiday, some people might be clinging too hard to their own delusions.

“I mean of course I had a few offers,” said senior Tiffany Field, queueing Mitski radio on Spotify. “I had options! But I had to turn them down. I just feel like with everything going on right now I want to be safe and it's also like, out of respect if that makes sense? So many people can't see who they want to see right now because of the pandemic, and I feel like flaunting a valentine is a little insensitive to those of us who are lonel– I mean, in lockdown. So, yes, the rumors are true, I don’t have a valentine this year, but only because of COVID. I'm not bitter about it – it's called ethics. Some people wouldn't understand. Oh, last year? Uh, last year I didn't have one either. That was..... unrelated."

"She says she's unbothered, but I don't think that's true," said Jenny Diaz, Tiffany's roommate. "Anytime it comes up she reminds me that Valentine’s Day is a ‘capitalist construct anyway.’I can still hear the string of Tinder notifications coming from her room at night, so I believe the hunt persists, however unsuccessful it may be. She keeps harping on how 'Galentine's day is better anyway,' but I haven't found a way to tell her that I actually have a picnic date on Sunday. Socially distanced – we'll be on different blankets! I'm afraid that if I tell her, though, it might burst her COVID excuse bubble and I don't know what she's capable of in this state. I don't wanna wake up to my tires slashed or something."

Barring any attempts at felonious retribution, a little V-Day bitterness is totally valid. Let’s face it, we’ve all been tempted to gorge on some Ghirardelli caramel chocolates once or twice. So maybe Valentine’s Day is going to be just another Netflix and Literally Chill Sunday for some people. There’s nothing wrong with that, but if you find that a little disappointing, there's always next year, COVID willing.