Surprise! Your Super Bowl Party Was a COVID Super-Spreader

We’ve been in this pandemic for eleven months now, and it seems like most people have somehow learned nothing, especially you. Cases were finally declining, yet instead of staying inside and watching TV by yourself, you chose to throw a party with all your high school “friends”. All to watch Tom Brady kiss the ref in his 58th Super Bowl. Contrary to popular belief, this virus still exists (even if you don’t acknowledge it). The CDC warned that chips and dip lounging in the open-air at a crowded gathering would be a Corona hotspot nightmare. So, congrats! Two days later, and almost everyone in attendance has tested positive.

“The party was pretty blatantly against CDC recommendations in many ways,” lectured Katie Milton, one of the lucky few who made it out of the party COVID negative. “There was not one bottle of hand sanitizer anywhere. Tracy made her famous mac and cheese, but she forgot a serving spoon, so people served themselves with their hands like animals. If I hadn’t already gotten COVID a few months ago, I almost certainly would have lost my ‘VID virginity last night.”

“I regret nothing because I got to see my Bucs win a Super Bowl,” said Lucas Hudgefund before immediately muting his microphone on Zoom to have a coughing fit. “My grandma, who is 89, was scheduled to get the vaccine this week, but unfortunately, she also tested positive today, thanks to me. It’s fine, though. I live under a very ‘everything happens for a reason’ mindset, so not a lot gets to me. Plus, she told me not to worry about it because at least she got to see her Bucs win a Super Bowl one last time. What can I say? We’re a Bucs family, ‘til death do us part.”

As soon as things are starting to look up, yet another travesty strikes. Super Bowl super-spreaders are just one more example of pandemic holiday selfishness added to the pile. If you actually stay inside and patiently wait your turn for your Pfizer juice like everyone else, we might actually have a fighting chance to not be the dumbest country in the world. Thankfully, it should be much easier for people to stay inside for the next holiday event of Valentine’s day. Couples and singles alike should be planning their reservations for the couch next Sunday to avoid a repeat of these events.