FDA Approves Tally Strip’s Signature Y-Bomb as COVID-19 Vaccine

Due to the scarcity of the Pfizer and Moderna vaccines and inability to share formulas because of rabid capitalism, the Food and Drug Association is scrambling to find more dosages so folks don’t end up in an early grave (since partying in the middle of a panoramic is still the hottest thing to do). Scientists and doctors alike now have their sights aimed at a new formula that could potentially save us all from complete annihilation: The Strip’s Signature Y-Bomb.

“Who would’ve thought the town with its own strain of Hand-Foot-And-Mouth disease would hold the secret sauce to the third approved vaccine? It was implausible at first but clinical trials on Florida State freshmen that still line up outside despite all odds are showing promising results,” remarked Dr. Dick L. Ong, a well-respected pathologist and current department head of Disease Control. “The combination of bad decisions, Red Bull, and a shot of the shittiest bottom shelf vodka mimics the effect of fist fighting Conor McGregor drunk--the ideal combination to resist the devastating effects of the COVID-19 virus.”

“It is remarkable how this so-called Y-Bomb gives patients the equivalent of an Ammonia stick sniff. Some adverse side effects include the need to punch holes into drywall, but that is a small price to pay for a little bit of immunity,” said Dr. Ben Dover, a board member at the FSU College of Medicine. “The formula is cheap and readily available. Now that the FDA has given us the green light to reproduce this, we can maybe hope that the COVID cases will fall and trick those pesky anti-vaxxers into getting it too.”

Even with fears of what’s actually in the concoction, it’s a reminder that if you’ve ever picked up a Juul off the ground of Pots or stepped even within two feet of the Cesspool, there are more pressing things to worry about. As always, don’t be a dick and just wear your mask. It’s the least you can do while we wait for someone hot in scrubs to poke us in the arm with the nectar of the gods.