Opinion: Bernie Sanders Can Still Beat Trump. Here’s How.

Famed hot boy, democratic socialist king, and senator from Vermont Bernard Sanders may have lost to Sleepy Joe in the 2020 Democratic Primary before he even had a chance to go up against the big orange himself, but if anything, he is resilient. Bernie Sanders is in great shape for a man teetering on the edge of 80. Standing at a surprising six feet tall, he would have no trouble outlasting Mr. Trump in the octagon. While Trump might be five years younger and three inches taller, due to the fact that his diet consists mostly of Diet Coke and crushed up Adderall, his movement is severely limited. I’m sure we all remember him “walking” down that ramp.

“Ultimately, I think the fight would come down to the hand-size differential,” said professional fight analyst Juan Punchman while calculating fight stats for the two political rivals. “In almost every fight I’ve ever seen, it’s all about who has the bigger hands. And if there’s anything we know about Donald Trump, he has notably small baby hands for a man of his stature. Bernie has those large, manly, and rugged hands that he always waves all over the place during his speeches. Those are some beautiful and sexy—I mean those are some winning hands if I’ve ever seen some.”

“Bernie is much quicker for his age than you would think,” said Elizabeth Warren’s intern assistant and Tik Tok star Claire Barnes, who saw Bernie live and in action on stage at the democratic primary debates. “I think Bernie fighting Trump would be the first step toward healing the nation. When he would passionately yell or throw up his hands at the debates, everyone agreed he had seriously scary grandpa vibes that were incredibly nostalgic. One time backstage, I saw him crush a banana with his bare hand. It wasn’t even ripe and he had only just picked it up from craft services.”

There you have it, folks: two additional sources that help prove that Bernie could totally own our now former president Donald J. Trump in physical hand-to-hand combat. The only way Trump is usually ever able to win in life is by using white-out on his tax returns or speaking in acronyms. Unfortunately, his typical tactics will not last him very long in the fighting ring. Lying will only get him so far against the big strong hands of the geriatric senator from Vermont.