FBI Taps Ultimate Investigators Ahead of Inauguration Protests: Slighted Ex-Girlfriends
Though we tried giving 2021 a good run, it proved to be 2020’s more evil, messed up twin. We watched democracy crumble before our eyes and then had to go to school as normal, all while trying to avoid catching the infamous ‘VID. As if the year couldn’t get crazy enough, fascist losers from your high school tried to assassinate all our leaders of government. While the FBI could probably figure out who these people are since they are listening to every word we say through our phones, they’ve decided to call in the best investigators in America: slighted ex-girlfriends.
Caroline Myers, an FSU Junior whose high school sweetheart who just broke up with her, has been contacted by the Feds for her expert help. Myers, when asked about her boyfriend, had a lot to say. “When we met, I knew there would be no other person that could compare to him. His profile picture was so unique: he was wearing a Guy Harvey t-shirt, holding a fish, and wearing a Trump 2020 hat. I had never seen a man with such allure. We were supposed to come to FSU for school together, but he dumped me for a 14-year-old from his church camp. When he posted on his finsta that he was going to “stop the steal,” I knew exactly what he was up to. The Feds had no idea who was at the Capitol even though they all posted exactly what they were doing, so I couldn’t help but step in. I identified him and all of his friends in less than 6 minutes!”
These unlikely patriots haven’t been celebrated by everyone, namely their ex-boyfriends. An individual who was at the coup and would only go by his Parlor name, Donald Jenius Trump, had a lot to say about the FBI recruiting these investigators. “I was good to go to the riots with no one recognizing me. I had a disguise ready and everything; I would have gotten away with it too if it weren’t for my meddling ex-girlfriend. I thought for sure the Feds weren’t going to find me, but I couldn’t help posting a video of myself shitting on Nancy Pelosi’s desk. She made a fake Q-Anon account and watched my Instagram story without me knowing, and gave it over to the FBI. They arrested me three hours later and put me on the no-fly list. ”
No matter the case, make sure you do your patriotic duty and turn in those who tried to overthrow our democracy. It may seem impossible, but the zeal and fervor of beautiful women who were somehow dumped by their gross boyfriends is nothing short of a phenomenon. The FBI may be tapping all of our devices, but they probably don’t know how to stalk an unused Facebook account from 2011. So let’s go girls: we’ve got democracy to defend!