COVID “Really Pissed” Schools Canceled Spring Break Too
As we reach the half-way point of another nightmarish Zoom semester, the fatigue of having no breaks is finally setting in. Gone are the days of cheap cruises, hangover-laden Miami and PCB parties flooded with regrettable decisions. School breaks were one of the only reasons we stayed in college anyway, but now those fun trips are a thing of the past. While we all may be bummed that spring break is a distant memory, no one is more upset about it than COVID itself.
When asked how COVID felt about the lack of a spring break, the infamous illness didn’t hold back. “When I came to the United States, I saw infinite possibilities. I caused a lockdown right as kids were traveling for spring break, and I quickly spread from Washington to my new favorite place: Florida. I visited Disney World and had the place all to myself, and then I went and absolutely destroyed Miami. I couldn’t wait for spring break this year because I was going to celebrate my one-year anniversary by hitting South Beach for another super-spreader event, but now I’m worried my party won’t be as great because all the kids have class when they should be celebrating spring break with me. I got wicked plans for St. Patty’s Day, though. I’m about to turn Pots into a bubonic plague ship.”
Blake Mathieson is also upset that FSU canceled spring break. “I had plans with my frat bros to tear up PCB. I’m talking hot chicks, soft drugs, you name it. Think ‘22 Jump Street’, except instead of us being the cops we’re the ones getting arrested. We couldn’t wait, but then FSU pulled spring break all together. I’m so sick of people living in fear, you know? I’m not getting that vaccine though, ‘cause I’m super health conscious. I’m just bummed that I can’t do Molly laced with paint thinner on the beach while eating week old fish tacos. I thought my dad’s donation to the university would buy us our spring break back, but the university just wants to ‘stop the spread.’ Like, who cares? We already have our own STD strain, we may as well get a new COVID strain after us.”
Whatever the case may be, stay safe, stay healthy, and wear a mask! Spring break may be fun, but sweatily grinding on at a bar filled with nasty college students isn’t good enough to justify getting COVID this late in the game. So stick out your last few weeks of school, because a wild summer is waiting for us on the other side!